


The Only Night

by TabisMouse



Series: Top and Taeyang [1]
Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Other, Romantic Friendship, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-09 01:25:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11658717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TabisMouse/pseuds/TabisMouse
Summary: Theirs was an association built more on living parallel lives, shared experiences. So when Youngbae buys a house mere blocks from Seunghyun they recognize the opportunity to be something else. Friends, at least. Together they explore the meaning of friendship, family, and love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is already finished, I'm just polishing off the editing. Expect updates every few days.

 

**BB Chat**  
  
---  
  
**Youngbae**

So I’m going to get the house guys

I’ve decided

Signing tomorrow  
  
**The Maknae**

Finally! Took you long enough hehehe  
  
**Daeseungie**

Congratulations Hyung. I hope you like it.  
  
**Youngbae**

Thanks guys  
  
**Jiyong-ah**

Yo let me know when you’re settled and I’ll come by. And behave maknae.  
  
**The Maknae**

Hay so youre gonna be close to Seunghyun-hyung now huh

You guys should totally hand out and do stuff

*hang  
  
**Youngbae**

Uh, yeah we could do that.

If you wanted hyung.  
  
**Seunghyun-hyung**

……  
  
**Seunghyun-hyung**

Oh yeah sure. Come over whenever, dongsaeng.  
  
**Seungri**

Don’t sound too excited there- hyung  
  
**Jiyong-ah**

Watch it Ri  
  
 

 

* * *

>   **Seunghyun 6:40pm**
> 
> Plans for tonight?

Youngbae looked at his phone and blinked in surprise. Seunghyun almost never texted just him.

>   **Seunghyun 6:42pm**
> 
> No?
> 
> **Seunghyun 6:45pm**
> 
> So when you coming over?

He tapped a finger absently on the edge of his phone while chewing on his lower lip, feeling a bit at a loss. He’d never considered that Seunghyun might be serious about hanging out.  Of all his band members, the relationship between him and Seunghyun had always been the most distant.

He tossed the phone and rose, scratching the back of his head as he navigated through partially opened boxes to the kitchen, a tiny flutter of anxiety in his stomach. _It would be rude not to go over_. Youngbae pulled open his fridge and rummaged through its sparse offerings, not really seeing anything worth eating.

He loved his hyung, for sure, but theirs was a brotherhood born more of shared experience than deep camaraderie. He’d never really understood Seunghyun. Youngbae’s mind supplied a memory: a nineteen year old Seunghyun, too skinny with too fast weight loss, pressing a backup dancer up against a wall. A _male_ backup dancer. Youngbae’s mind rendered with sharp clarity the way the eerie yellow glow of the basement studio had cast both boys in dark shadows as their lips moved over one another.

Youngbae shut the fridge and shook his head. _Where did that come from?_ He hadn’t thought of that night in years.

Those first few years together had been awkward. Then Jiyong and Seunghyun had started dating and his best friend had drawn a line in the sand. Eventually accepting the fact that they were together, that two people close to him liked boys had eased things between them but Youngbae was nothing like Seunghyun’s actor friends.

“Damn,” Youngbae cursed to himself. Why was he having a crisis over a simple dinner at the house of a friend he’d known for years? He shuffled to the foyer and began pulling on his shoes. As he slipped on his left one his phone buzzed from the couch. Hopping, he made his way to it.

>   **Seunghyun 6:55pm**
> 
> Come on, hyung spent the afternoon picking wine and making food. I even rolled kimbap with tempura just for you.

Youngbae snorted. He could _hear_ Seunghyun’s whine. He plucked out a reply.

> **Youngbae 6:56pm**
> 
> Alright I’m heading over. Should I bring anything?
> 
> **Seunghyun 6:57pm**
> 
> Alcohol
> 
> **Youngbae 6:57pm**
> 
> Wait you said you picked out wine.
> 
> **Seunghyun 6:58pm**
> 
> Alcohol
> 
> **Youngbae 6:58pm**
> 
> ...

Youngbae rolled his eyes and trotted back to his fridge with one shoe on. He pulled out a few bottles of soju and placed them in a shopping bag.

 

 

Only blocks away, Seunghyun was in his wine cellar shuffling through bottles and only vaguely aware of his mother shouting down from the stairs that she was heading out. His phone buzzed and he lifted it from where he’d placed it on a shelf to read Youngbae’s response.

Seunghyun snorted to himself as he grabbed a wine bottle and turned to the fridge he kept for his cheese. Youngbae had never really dealt with the obvious attraction he’d felt for Seunghyun, so he figured a little alcohol might help loosen him up. Youngbae’s crush had always been a low-key thing, more an attraction than infatuation. It had taken a few years for Seunghyun to recognize the occasional long stares and fumbled words for what they were. Youngbae’s initial reaction to Jiyong and him dating had finally clued Seunghyun in.

Too bad Youngbae was convinced he was straight or Seunghyun would have willingly helped him navigate the waters of his sexuality. But maybe it was for the best. Youngbae seemed happy in ignorance; he would probably live out his whole life in straight bliss. No need to rock _that_ boat.

Collecting his after-dinner treats, he emerged from the chill of the basement into his kitchen. He laid out his selections on the marble counter and popped the bottle of red wine to let it breath. Seunghyun gave the food on the stove a cursory stir before turning to slice the cheese as he contemplated the coming night.

Despite a almost a decade of shared lives there was still a distance between them that left Seunghyun feeling sad. There was a depth and perception to Youngbae that he’d only ever glimpsed and wanted to truly understand. He’d long wanted to breach Youngbae’s carefully constructed walls to truly understand the man underneath. Maybe living closer would be their chance.

There was a buzz at the door and Seunghyun shuffled to the intercom.

“Yo,” he said.

“Hey, it’s me.” Youngbae’s low voice crackled through the speaker.

“You drove?”

“Yeah.”

Seunghyun buzzed open the gate to the garage and moved to quickly pour the wine, arming himself with a glass as he went to open the door.

“Hey,” Youngbae said, looking up at Seunghyun standing in the doorway.

“Uh, hi, here.” Seunghyun shoved the glass of wine at Youngbae then turned back to the kitchen, effectively avoiding any further awkwardness at the door.

Youngbae followed him in, toeing off his shoes before entering the kitchen. “Here, I brought soju.” He lifted the bag in his hand and placed it on the counter, pulling out a green bottle and waving it at Seunghyun.

“Food?” Seunghyun asked. He didn’t bother to wait for Youngbae’s response, taking the bag of soju and placing it the fridge then turning and layering strips of beef onto two plates.

“Yeah, sure.” Youngbae leaned against the counter and fiddled with his shirt before planting himself on a barstool to watch Seunghyun serve. Seunghyun sat their plates side by side on the counter and walked around to sit beside Youngbae.

“We should hang out more,” Seunghyun said, pouring out more wine.

Youngbae laughed more out of nerves than anything else and Seunghyun looked at him. “Sorry,” Youngbae mumbled.

“Shut up and eat, Youngbae.” Seunghyun softened his words with a jab of his elbow.

Youngbae bowed his head for the briefest of moments, lips moving silently. Seunghyun politely focused on his own food, used to the prayer that was Youngbae’s meal ritual. They ate in silence for a few forkfuls each.

“It’s weird without the other three,” Seunghyun provided, shining a light on the elephant in the kitchen. He topped off Youngbae’s glass then pulled straight from the bottle with a smile.

Youngbae smiled back and drank. “Yeah, just a little bit,” he said into his glass.

“Not bad though?” Seunghyun asked. He was a manipulative shit but he’d made do with the less savory elements of his nature.

“No,” Youngbae admitted and shoved another forkful into his mouth. “I can’t believe you actually cooked.”

“Yeaaah - about that.”

“Your mom cooked didn’t she?”

Seunghyun giggled.

“Ya! I can’t believe you. I thought you slaved over a stove all day.”

“The kitchen is still standing isn’t it?”

Youngbae rolled his eyes and took another drink. “Jerk,” he mumbled. Seunghyun smiled at the affection obvious in his voice.

“So where is she?” Youngbae asked, looking around. Seunghyun arched a confused brow. “Your mom.”

“Out with her gang of ajummas I think.”

“Awwww. Cute.”

“Yeah,” Seunghyun said, “she usually only comes by for special occasions. So, you know, feel special.” Youngbae rolled his eyes.

Conversation came more easily then, lubricated by Youngbae’s fourth glass of wine and genuinely delicious food. Talk of mothers easy bled to talk of family, then friends, then the group with their upcoming projects and finally music, a subject about which they shared a passion. One bottle of wine turned to two before they were scraping forks over empty plates of thirds.

“No, don’t do that,” Seunghyun said as Youngbae moved to begin washing the dishes.

“Don’t be gross, Seunghyun,” Youngbae chided through laughter as he began to run the water.

“Nooo don’t, don’t.” Seunghyun added a pout to his whine for good measure.

Youngbae swayed a bit but propped himself against the counter and hummed as he washed and rinsed the dishes. Seunghyun collapsed onto his living room floor, curled on himself and screeched while Youngbae rolled his eyes.

“Shut up, hyung and get over here and dry,” Youngbae said. The screeching intensified. Seunghyun would never change. “I can’t believe that you were going to leave this for your mother.”

The screeching stopped instantly. “I have a _maid_ service,” Seunghyun said, offended. “I wouldn’t make my mom do this.”

“Oh,” Youngbae finished lamely. He turned back to the dishes, feeling stupid. Seunghyun padded over to him and lifted a cleaned plate from the sink, wordlessly drying it and stacking it in his cabinet. Their eyes met for a second before Seunghyun picked up the next plate.

“It’s good to clean up after ourselves, anyways.” Seunghyun extended an olive branch. Youngbae’s shoulders eased and he smiled down at the soap suds.

“Soju?” Youngbae offered when Seunghyun returned the last dish.

Seunghyun nearly skipped to his refrigerator. He disappeared behind his door, humming mischievously. Youngbae’s hand flew up instinctively as a bottle soared at him. He looked at it and glared at Seunghyun who emerged from his search to open his own bottle.

“What?” Seunghyun feigned innocence and strolled past Youngbae to his living room, snacks in hand.

“You coulda hurt me.”

“Didn’t though.”

Youngbae screwed up his face and joined his infuriating hyung on the couch. They sat on either end of the dark leather sofa, empty cushions gaping between them. Seunghyun offered up the remote, using his fingertips to nudge it over the leather seat cushion towards Youngbae.

“I don’t know how to work your thing,” Youngbae protested.

“It’s a thing - work it.” Seunghyun gulped down soju straight from his bottle and helped himself to pre-cut cheese slices. He offered some to Youngbae but was waved off. Youngbae fiddled with the controller a bit, finally managing to turn it on and flick through the channels. He settled on one then smirked at Seunghyun.

“Oh, God, no. No, Youngbae, please.”

“Look at what is on late night cable.”

“Why?!” Seunghyun looked horrified as he watched his twenty-one-year old self rap on the screen.

“Aw, but look at how cute Seungri is.”

Seunghyun had to admit Seungri _did_ look adorable. Then his face appeared again and he cringed. “Youngbae, noooo,” he begged. Anything but watching the movie _Nineteen_ , anything. Youngbae grinned, hunkered down into the cushions and propped his feet on the coffee table.

Feigning an indignant sneer he added his feet beside Youngbae’s. He made it  through his painful acting and second-hand embarrassment for his past self via liberal application of alcohol. Halfway through the movie he stood up and swayed his way to the fridge and more soju.

“You ate all the cheese!” Youngbae accused from the living room. Seunghyun waved a finger in the air and disappeared back to the cellar. He stumbled over a step and Youngbae gave an inarticulate shout of concern. Startled, Seunghyun tried to turn and managed to fall down the last four steps.

“You idiot,” Youngbae said, standing at the top of the stairs. “You need an elevator if we’re going to drink this much. S’a good thing I’m not drunk.” He focused a little too hard as he navigated the stairs. “Did you hurt yourself?”

Youngbae managed to reach the base of the stairs without incident and stood, staring down at Seunghyun sprawled at his feet. His hyung was so big, all arms and long legs. He gave a calculated look back up the stairs. There was no way Youngbae would be able to haul that mess up the imposing flight.

“Oh this is a good one,” Seunghyun said, rolling across the floor to the nearest rack and pulling a bottle down.

“Are you serious right now?” He collapsed onto the floor beside Seunghyun.

“Yes, here.” Seunghyun maneuvered himself up and pulled off the foil topping the wine bottle. He stared at the cork stupidly. “Bae do you have a pocket knife?”

“Um -”

“Hold on.” Seunghyun shimmied over to another shelf and rummaged through what seemed like a bunch of junk to Youngbae. “Haha!” Seunghyun’s face lit up in triumph as he held a corkscrew aloft. He scooted back over to Youngbae, sitting beside him, legs spread with the wine bottle between them. They leaned against a shelf and Youngbae watched as Seunghyun attempted to open the wine. “Shit,” Seunghyun said and held up the bottle.

Youngbae looked. “You got the cork in there, hyung.”

Seunghyun screwed up his face then eyed the opening of the bottle. “Shit,” he repeated. Youngbae began to giggle, then to laugh. “This isn’t funny, Bae.”

“Oh, it’s a tragedy,” Youngbae gasped unable to control his laughter. Seunghyun glared at him. Youngbae tried to straighten his face but was spectacularly unsuccessful. Their shoulders brushed and Seunghyun leaned on Youngbae, his deep chuckle echoing Youngbae’s. “Give me that,” Youngbae said, pulling the bottle from Seunghyun’s hands. He lifted it to his lips and took a gulp. He hummed as he swallowed. “You’re right it is a good one.”

“We’re gonna have to finish it now,” Seunghyun said as he took the bottle back. He brought up his knees and draped his arms over them as he drank. Youngbae snickered and found his forehead resting against Seunghyun’s arm. The room spun less that way.

“You drink too much, Seunghyun,” Youngbae said, mirth evaporating into truth. He raised his head to meet Seunghyun’s eyes then dropped it back. “Sometimes I worry.”

“Do you?” Seunghyun asked and took another drink then nudged Youngbae with the bottle. “I didn’t think we were close enough for you to worry.”

Youngbae took the bottle back. “It doesn’t mean I can’t care.”

Seunghyun shrugged and watched Youngbae. “Sometimes I wondered-”

Youngbae took several long gulps and set the bottle down on the ground. He looked everywhere but Seunghyun.

“He’s my friend Seunghyun. My _best_ friend, for almost all my life.”

“I’ve known him a long time too.” Seunghyun grabbed the bottle.

 _Jiyong_. The name hung in the air between them. Youngbae knew better than to speak it. “I know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken sides when -”

“It’s fine,” Seunghyun snapped and took another drink.

“But I did worry.” Youngbae leaned back again, making sure not to touch Seunghyun. The world spun gently around the two of them.

“Do you still think I’m gonna burn in hell?” Seunghyun’s tone was too bitter but he couldn’t check it. Youngbae’s past words tore at his heart.

“No. I didn’t then. I should never have said it. It was wrong.” Youngbae paused. “And I should have apologized. I should have- I never should have said that,” he finished lamely. He pulled the bottle from Seunghyun’s hands and turned it in his own, staring past its label. “I never should have said that.” He couldn’t stop repeating himself. What words could possibly encompass his apology?

Youngbae drank and passed the bottle back. Seunghyun had no response but more wine could never hurt so he drank more. “Everything is spinning,” he mumbled.

“Are you ok _now_?” Youngbae asked, unable to leave the conversation. “I was worried when you were gone for so long. You disappeared and no one heard from you for months.”

“The movie was hard.” Seunghyun’s voice was flat. “The movie and the tour.” “I should have been there for you.” It was a confession wrung from Youngbae’s heart, born of shame and regret.

“What, like a friend?”

“Like a friend.” Youngbae closed his eyes to the spinning room. “We are _friends_ ,” he whispered, as if saying made it so.

“Are we?”

“We could be,” Youngbae said, looking up at Seunghyun. Their eyes met for a long moment. Seunghyun wondered if he could ever get Youngbae to admit that his anger at Seunghyun and Jiyong’s breakup had been partially born of jealousy. _Friends_.

Seunghyun offered the bottle to Youngbae.

“We could be. We’re in a band for fucks sake,” Youngbae said, ignoring Seunghyun’s snort of surprise at his language. “We could be friends at least,” Youngbae took the bottle. “Friends.” He drank. His stomach churned. “We gotta stop doing that,” he groaned at the bottle.

“Friends,” Seunghyun repeated. He finished the bottle. “And yeah we should stop. Fuck, it’s too heavy in here.” He tossed the bottle to the floor and reached out, crawling to the shelf opposite them. “Look,” he grabbed at a bottle, “this one is good too.”

Youngbae laughed. “Ok.”

“And I won’t get the cork in this time.”

“We’re going to die,” Youngbae moaned and fell onto his side.

Seunghyun left the bottle unopened and rolled onto his back. “We’re all dying, Youngbae.”

“Shut up, hyung.” They stared at the ceiling together as time phased in then out.

“Hyung?” Youngbae asked. He couldn’t tell if Seunghyun was still awake. Seunghyun hummed and looked down from the ceiling. Youngbae’s brain froze for a moment, he hadn’t actually had a purpose when he called out to Seunghyun. Then the words tumbled out, unbidden. “I hate all the songs on my album.”

“No shit?” Seunghyun drawled.

“Yes shit.”

“You swear when you’re drunk, like a lot.”

“Jiyong doesn’t know yet.” Youngbae confessed.

“That you swear when drunk?” Seunghyun flopped a hand around for that bottle he’d found. Youngbae kicked him.

“I’m serious.”

“No shit?” Seunghyun said stupidly.

Youngbae couldn’t help himself. “Yes shit,” he repeated and he giggled again.

“Language.” Words seemed to be just out of his reach but part of Seunghyun realized the importance of the confession. Jiyong always new things about Youngbae first. “That really sucks, Bae. I’m sorry.” There was a grunt from Youngbae.

 


	2. Chapter 2

“Ya!” A thunderous crash jerked Seunghyun awake. His head throbbed in agony. There was a groan and Seunghyun was aware of a warmth pressed into his chest. _Youngbae_. Sure enough, he looked down to find Youngbae snuggled into his chest. Seunghyun snorted. “Ya! You lushes get up.”

Seunghyun looked up to see his mother standing at the top of the stairs, ranting. “I go out for one night and come back to this. You are _grown men_ . Get Up!” She disappeared but continued her monologue at full volume. “Drunk and passed out on the cold floor like a couple of children. A mother can’t even go out in peace without the _children_ acting like children. Get up!” She shouted down the stairs again, then disappeared to vent her frustration on the pots and pans.

“Make her stop,” Youngbae groaned.

“Have I ever gotten my mother to stop anything?”

There was a loud crash of something falling. “Who stacked these dishes!?!” Seunghyun’s mother yelled at them.

Youngbae groaned and buried his head under Seunghyun’s arm. “I’m going to be sick.”

“She’s making breakfast,” Seunghyun whispered ominously.

“Oh no.” Youngbae shuddered.

“And we’re going to have to eat it.”

“Give me that bottle.” Youngbae pointed a finger without lifting his head. Confused Seunghyun looked around to find a half drunk bottle of wine beside them, a remnant of their revels.

“Great idea,” Seunghyun said and reached for the bottle. “Guests first.” He handed the bottle to Youngbae.

“Dong Youngbae!” Seunghyun’s mother shrieked down at them. “I would have expected as much from my son, but you too?! Put that bottle down and get up here now!”

Youngbae pulled his mouth off the bottle and winced. “Yes, mother.” His face scrunched in pain as he rolled to stand.

“Stop right there, don’t you dare,” Seunghyun’s mother said to Seunghyun. He stopped, bottle poised halfway to his mouth. “Get up here and help me.”

“Yes, mom,” Seunghyun sighed.

Seunghyun’s mother clucked and nagged at them, ensuring that every dish was slammed down just shy of too-hard. Folding her arms she glared at them over twin bowls of soup and rice with a smattering of side dishes. “Eat,” she commanded.

“Yes, mother,” they said in unison. Exasperated, she rolled her eyes and stalked from the kitchen. Seunghyun raised an eyebrow and smirked at Youngbae as soon as his mother was out of sight. “Thank you, mom,” they chimed again, together. She left, giving the door a slam full of judgment.

“Ugh, I cannot eat this,” Youngbae whined and pressed his head to the cool countertop.

Their phones chimed in unison and Youngbae flopped a hand up to where he’d left his the night before. It beeped sadly, almost dead but alive enough to display a text from Mama Choi. “Eat, _everything,_ you bad children.”

“You know, this is really good on my stomach,” Seunghyun said and Youngbae wanted to smack the cheeriness out of his voice.

“Shut up and eat,” Youngbae grumped. He half-heartedly mumbled a prayer then tried to chew and slurp his food but gently, lest he anger the beavers building dams in his brain.

The silence between them was warm, companionable. Seunghyun smiled to himself as he ate. It had been a good night and he could tell Youngbae agreed. For all his griping, he was humming softly as he chewed. He only did that when content. Youngbae winced in pain and groaned as a neighbor, somewhere, was rude enough to start a leafblower. Ok, maybe Youngbae wasn’t _completely_ content, but he _was_ happy.

Seunghyun kicked sideways at Youngbae’s swinging feet and they smiled at one another over their next bite.

“Leave the dishes for the maid,” Seunghyun warned as Youngbae took his last bite.

“Fine, Hyung.” Youngbae stood and leaned against the counter, stretching his back and calves.

Seunghyun rested a hand between his shoulder blades. “You gonna be ok?”

Youngbae hummed a yes. “Gonna walk home and clear my head though. I’ll get the car later.”

“We should do this again.”

“Yeah.” Youngbae paused and took in the mood in the air. Something felt different this morning. Some unknown, unnoticed cloud between him and Seunghyun seemed to have skittered away in the night. Youngbae felt easy. Calm. Before last night, he’d never would have said there was tension between them. Yet now, out from under it, in what was possibly the first time ever, he could feel where it had been. “Yeah, this was nice,” he said, mostly to himself.

“Again tonight?” Seunghyun asked. He could never have too much of a good thing.

Youngbae gaped at the pile of empty bottles overflowing the trash bin then turned the look to Seunghyun.

“Ok, point,” Seunghyun conceded. “Sunday?” That was four whole days away.

Youngbae’s smile was bright and full. “Yeah, Sunday.”

Seunghyun saw Youngbae out then returned to sprawl on his bed, still pristine from the day before. He took care to rumple it completely as he curled into a mass of pillows and sheets. The evening had not gone quite as he expected. He’d never intended to be so raw about his pain. Truth told, he hadn’t even realized how deeply Youngbae’d hurt him when he and Jiyong broke up. But it had all come out.

If he’d been sober he may have panicked but drunk, he’d just let it happen and somehow they’d come out unscathed.

He closed his eyes to remember the look on Youngbae’s face when he apologized and another little bit of his soul warmed as it healed. Scars he’d never even known existed sloughed away to leave it whole, this new version of a relationship with Youngbae. He hoped it lasted.

  


Sunday afternoon rolled around and Youngbae found himself pacing his new home, weaving through piles of _still_ unopened boxes. He was supposed to meet Seunghyun but he felt unsure. Had it been an off-hand comment like ‘we should do it’ but never actually _do_? Or had they made actual plans? He stood to prod a toe at a particularly accommodating box edge.

He should probably text Seunghyun to see if they were still on. He hesitated though. He’d feel stupid if he’d misunderstood. The phone rang and he jumped, fumbling for it and just barely keeping it from crashing to the ground.

“Yeah,” he said, not even looking at who was calling.

“Hey you coming over or what? You want pizza? I got a red that would go good with pizza, or maybe we make ramen?”

“Hyung?” Youngbae asked.

“Yeah, course, so what time you coming?”

Apparently he hadn’t misread any signal. “Uh, yeah, I can come over.” The box atop the pile he had been kicking at lost its fight against gravity and toppled to the ground.

“Ya, you ok? What was that?” Seunghyun shouted.

“Yeah, fine, a box just fell.”

“Box?” Seunghyun asked. “You haven’t unpacked yet?” The incredulity in Seunghyun’s voice was really rich considering Youngbae knew it had taken Seunghyun’s mother and sister finally giving up nagging and setting up Seunghyun’s house for him to ‘unpack’. Oh, Seunghyun had ordered plenty of furniture and ‘designed’ his little heart out but heaven help him if he had to actually clean.

“Yeah,” Youngbae answered, filling his voice with as much irony as possible. It was lost on Seunghyun.

“Yah, want me to just come over with food and help you unpack?”

“Uh.” Youngbae’s brain stuttered at Seunghyun actually offering to… work.

“Yeah, I’ll be over in an hour, let me shower and shit.”

“Oh-kay?”

Seunghyun hung up first. Whelp, looked like drinks would be at Youngbae’s. Problem was, he had no drinks. He shuffled to his foyer to haul on his shoes for a soju run.

He returned just as he saw Seunghyun’s car turning onto his street, the madman had actually driven for once. Youngbae rushed in and ran to open his garage door.

“Made it!”

“I thought you said an hour!” Youngbae said, panting from running across his house.

“I showered fast,” Seunghyun said with a shrug. He dumped his bags on the kitchen island and sauntered into Youngbae’s house. “This is nice.”

“It’s a mess.”

“I’m not talking about your stuff I’m talking about the space.” Seunghyun wove in between the stacks of boxes, eyeing the walls.

“Oh,” Youngbae said, standing lamely and looking up at the ceiling and walls, trying to see what Seunghyun saw. He knew he’d liked the house but he suddenly felt incredibly self-conscious. What on earth constituted ‘nice space’? “Yeah I liked it.”

Seunghyun took in the view of the river, one of the primary reasons Youngbae’d been attracted to the place. “So, what are you going to do with it?” He asked.

“It?” Youngbae asked. Seunghyun wandered away from the windows back towards the kitchen, stopping in front of the hallway to the bedrooms.

“Yeah, what are you gonna do with it?” He repeated.

“I dunno, I brought my stuff.”

“From your old place.”

“Yeah. Do-” Taeyang’s eyes met Seunghyun’s. “Do you want a tour?” Seunghyun took the invitation and disappeared down the hallway. Youngbae followed behind, telling himself to stop feeling so insecure. There was nothing wrong with his place.

“So there’s a few bedrooms back here.” Youngbae flicked on lights as he went. “Bathroom,” he said with a gesture.

Seunghyun walked into each room, silently observing, avoiding the boxes stacked in the center of each and eyeing the few furniture pieces scattered about. It really seemed unlike everything he knew about Youngbae to see every room of the house in suspended disarray.

“And this will be my room,” Youngbae finished. He looked at Seunghyun, body taut with anticipation. Seunghyun had said it was ‘nice’ but -

Seunghyun took in the large room and expansive view. He noted the Youngbae sized space that had been carved out of the bags and boxes piled on the bed then regarded Youngbae. He was standing, arms loose by his side but his eyes gave him away. He was hanging on Seunghyun’s forthcoming verdict. “Bae, I said I liked it.”

Abashed, Youngbae looked away. “I know.”

Seunghyun smiled and threw an arm around Youngbae’s shoulders. “Food?”

Youngbae laughed and let himself be led to the kitchen. He rummaged through the bags that Seunghyun had brought. “Ya, all you brought was wine.”

“No,” Seunghyun said and turned to open the boxes on the kitchen counter at random. “Keep looking.”

Youngbae found it. “Ramen, are you serious?”

Seunghyun shot him finger guns then kept rummaging. “Yah, where’s your ramen pot?”

“Oh, yeah.” Youngbae moved to find the right box and retrieved the familiar yellow pot. “Here,” he said, then he realized what he was doing and tried to take the pot back.

“I can make ramen,” Seunghyun chided. “Hyung will cook for you, ok?” They needed alcohol, he decided. Youngbae was way too on edge, he’d hoped they’d made more progress than this last time.

“Bottle opener?” He asked, nodding to his bags as he filled the pot from the sink.

“Yeah, moment,” Youngbae said and began digging through a box on the floor as Seunghyun lit the stove. Sanding, he proudly held up his corkscrew and pair of chopsticks. Passing the chopsticks to Seunghyun, he went ahead and popped open a bottle then turned to hung for his wine glasses.

“Nah, just give it,” Seunghyun said. He reached and grabbed the bottle from Youngbae and took a drink. Normally he had to be drunk to skip letting a bottle properly breathe but desperate times- Youngbae rolled his eyes then took the bottle back to take his own gulp. They stood, side by side watching the pot not-boil.

“You can tell me if you hate the place,” Youngbae said to the pot then took another drink.

Seunghyun took the bottle with a fraction more force than necessary. “I told you, it’s a really nice place.”

Youngbae grabbed one of the chopsticks from the counter and poked at the water. “Say what you aren’t saying.”

“Your stuff isn’t gonna fit.” Seunghyun had been dying keeping that in. “It’s why you haven’t unpacked yet.”

Youngbae looked up at Seunghyun, confused. “But it’s all here. It all fit.”

“No,” Seunghyun said. “It doesn’t _fit_. It doesn’t match the space or you - anymore.”

“I just need to spend time thinking about how to set up each room.”

“The nice thing about a new space is you get to fill it with new stuff, leave everything behind and start over fresh, new.” There was a subtext to Seunghyun’s words. He hadn’t meant it to be, but there it was. _Jiyong_ , again. Part of what he’d left behind the last time he’d moved had been everything that reminded him of _them_.

Youngbae could feel the edges of what Seunghyun was talking about. He wondered if there would ever be a time where Jiyong didn’t hover over them, when they could just be friends, like he’d said on the floor of Seunghyun’s cellar.

“Ya, you wanna help me then?” Youngbae asked.

Seunghyun blinked. He’d lost track of what they’d been talking about, mind wandering almost-forgotten paths.

“Help me set up my place?” Youngbae clarified.

“Oh,” Seunghyun said, then what Youngbae was offering registered and his eyes lit up “Ohhhh.” Seunghyun looked like a kid in a candy store. “Yeah!”

Youngbae couldn’t help but laugh. Seunghyun really did look like a 5 year old just offered all the taffy he could eat. “Yeah, I mean you know about all that stuff. Design, I mean.”

“Yes, yes! I could bring over some of the designer manuals I’ve got.” Seunghyun began naming off names and Youngbae’s eyes glazed over. He hid it with another drink of wine. “I’ll pick out the ones I think fit you and the space. Don’t want it to be too overwhelming. And you just point at the ones you like and we’ll make some boards together, color palette, do you have any ideas? Colors, textures? What kind of lines do you think you’d like? I think smooth clean lines, hard edges would look good.” He turned to look back at the living room. “You’ll want hard and clean with that view, the Han curving all natural and organic. But,” Seunghyun checked himself, “it’s your space.”

Youngbae couldn’t even process the steady stream of words. He tore open the ramen package and dumped the noodles in. “Uh-” He poked at the ramen.

“No decisions now, don’t worry.” Seunghyun looked down to see what Youngbae was doing. “Hey, go away, I said Hyung was cooking.”

Youngbae laughed and handed over the chopsticks. “Fine but I’m taking the wine.” Seunghyun waved him away, grabbing the corkscrew and reaching for the nearest bottle, one for his very own, letting Youngbae take the unaired, inferior bottle. Letting the next bottle air properly, he dumped out the noodle water.

“Sorry,” he said as he plopped the steaming pot onto a potholder on the counter. “No plates, no eggs, just noodles and wine.”

Youngbae smiled then claimed the pot lid from Seunghyun’s hands. “Fine, it’s just how I like it.” Youngbae scooped noodles onto his ‘plate’ then left Seunghyun to pull straight from the bowl. They had to get him chopsticks first, however. When that proved impossible, Seunghyun settled for a large serving fork.

“Hey, seriously, you’ll help me?” Youngbae asked as they ate.

Seunghyun took a long slurp, eyes dancing at Youngbae. He swallowed then patted an imaginary napkin at his mouth before miming folding it on the counter. “I - will help you.”

“Why do I feel like I’m doing _you_ a favor?”

“You paying?” Seunghyun asked.

“Uh, yeah.”

“That’s why.” Seunghyun put his fork down. “Hey you got a tv in here?”

“Bedroom,” Youngbae said, and helped himself to what Seunghyun had left behind. Seunghyun leaned back against the counter to wait while Youngbae finished then took the pot, lid and utensils to the sink. “You gonna wash?” Youngbae teased.

“Seunghyun filled the pot with warm water. “Soak.”

“Ya, it doesn’t need to soak,” Youngbae said, and moved to start washing. Seunghyun grabbed him by the arm and pulled him in the opposite direction, back to the bedroom. Youngbae’s stomach gave a little flip as he fought Seunghyun’s pull momentarily and failed. “Hyung,” he snapped.

“Ah, Youngbae you have forever to wash dishes, let's go watch a movie or something.” Seunghyun let go long enough to grab the remaining bags of drinks then resumed pulling.

Youngbae, to his own surprise, let himself be dragged back, grabbing the corkscrew and bag with the rest of the wine as Seunghyun pulled. Seunghyun was a terrible influence.

“Hey, is any of this stuff important?” Seunghyun asked as he pulled Youngbae into the bedroom.

“Uh, no it’s mostly clothes and junk- Hyung!”

Seunghyun had grabbed the comforter under the pile and jerked upwards, depositing everything on the tile floor. He beamed at Youngbae. “See? Now there is room for two.”

Youngbae rolled his eyes and pulled at the robe that partially covered his television. “You are a jerk.”

Seunghyun made a ‘kiss, kiss’ face at him then laid the blanket back over the bed. He threw himself atop it and patted beside himself expectantly.

“Scooch,” Youngbae commanded then sat next to Seunghyun. “Yah, get your slippers off the bed.”

Seunghyun scooted over and kicked off his shoes, leaning back against the headboard with Youngbae. “Remotes?” Seunghyun held out his hand expectantly.

“It’s my house, you know.”

Seunghyun waved his hand, impatient, and Youngbae provided the remotes.  They managed to drink through their respective bottles while watching a few entries of a Bond marathon Youngbae had DVRed.

It was getting too late and Seunghyun contemplated sleeping over when he noticed Youngbae drowsing. But it didn’t feel right. They were too old and Youngbae too straight for bed sharing. “Yah, I’m gonna go?”

“Hyung, you can stay,” Youngbae slurred gently. He’d actually been the one to drink the majority of the alcohol that night outdoing Seunghyun two to one. Seunghyun was tempted. They had both slipped down the headboard during the course of the night and Youngbae lay on his side facing Seunghyun. A heavy arm came up to drape over Seunghyun’s chest. “Stay, ‘sok,” Youngbae said, his voice deep gravel.

Seunghyun couldn’t breathe. He’d seen Youngbae sleepy hundreds of times in almost a decade. He’d seen it countless times and yet - he couldn’t breathe as he watched heavy lashes hide Youngbae’s eyes. Youngbae’s cheeks were rough and hairy with new stubble and his arm a heavy weight on his chest, heavy and warm- Seunghyun needed to go.

“Ya, I’m ok. My head’s been clear for an hour. I can get home ok.”

Youngbae whimpered as Seunghyun sat up and threw his legs over the bed, toes hunting for their slippers. Seunghyun fought everything in him to stand. “I’ll see myself out.”

“Ya,” Youngbae said, reaching for him and fingertips snagging a pant-leg. “I’m sorry I’m so awkward with you, hyung,” Youngbae said, “I like us becoming friends, I’ll be better next time.”

Seunghyun turned and patted Youngbae’s hand. “Sleep, Bae, I’ll come by tomorrow afternoon with design books.”

“Thank you, for helping me with the house.”

  


Youngbae woke the next morning with only a mild hangover. He lifted his head and upgraded the mild hangover to yeah-I-might-still-be-drunk. Strange, he hadn’t thought he’d drunk enough for that. Rolling over, he eyed the empty bottles on his floor. Surely most of those were Seunghyun’s.

He was standing in the shower testing the full capacity of the hot water heater when a knock came at the bathroom door. He flung a hand out in an attempt to break his fall and failed, ass slamming down hard onto slick tile. Seunghyun’s voice came through the bathroom door. “Bae you okay?”

Trust Seunghyun to wake up like he hadn’t drunk a drop the night before. “Ya, what are you doing here?” Youngbae shouted as he turned off the shower.

“I brought some catalogues,” Seunghyun explained. He had decided to get started decorating Youngbae’s new place right away, apparently.

An hour later Youngbae found himself in a warehouse, rows and rows of couches and armchairs spread before him. Seunghyun had insisted that this would be much better than being sane and never leaving the perfectly fine nest Youngbae’d made on his bed.

Seunghyun had told him to just wander and look and point at what he liked. “Not what you want in your house, just the things you like,” Seunghyun had said. So that’s what he’d done. The first 15 minutes had been stressful meandering. Youngbae had no clue what he was looking for and Seunghyun’s presence was - intimidating. He pointed out with tentative fingers at random, trying to read Seunghyun’s gaze.

“Ya, Bae,” Seunghyun said. “Just point at what you like. That’s it. There isn’t a wrong answer.”

“You sure?”

“I mean, of course there is if you have shitty taste,” Seunghyun deadpanned.

Youngbae glared at him. “Jerk.”

“Look, I’m just gonna wander off for a bit. Take pics of what you like.”

Youngbae sighed. “Yeah that works.”

True to his word, Seunghyun disappeared. Another 10 minutes and Youngbae walked back to a chair that seemed to have stuck with him and he snapped a photo of it with his phone. His finger hovered on the trash icon for a moment but before he could delete, it disappeared and the camera appeared again. Well, that was one down. He wandered some more. The second picture was easier and the third even easier.

After an hour Seunghyun returned to Youngbae snapping a shot of a lamp. “You got it?” He asked and Youngbae beamed at him. He’d actually started to enjoy himself.

“Yeah I got a few.” Youngbae pulled up his gallery and scrolled through page after page of photos. “Oh-” He hadn’t realized he’d snapped so many. “Wow, um, I got too many.”

Seunghyun looked over Youngbae’s shoulder at the screen. “No, that’s perfect. Wanna get lunch?”

“Aren’t we gonna-”

Seunghyun cut him off with an arm around his shoulder and steered him towards the door. “Nah, lunch. We’ll look at what you got.”

Youngbae felt - small - tucked under Seunghyun’s arm. The feeling was unsettling. He knew he was short but he rarely actually _felt_ his height. “Oh, okay.”

Over soup and rice Seunghyun flicked through Youngbae’s phone gallery. “These are nice pieces.”

“Yeah you think so?”

“You have a definite style.” Seunghyun said, a mouthful of food obscuring his words. Youngbae fought against useless nagging. “I can see common themes.”

Youngbae shrugged. “Is it good though?”

“I mean it isn’t all my taste but -” he brought up a hand, forestalling Youngbae’s pout “but that’s ok, Bae. There’s no right or wrong.”

“Ok.”

“I mean there _is_ , but-”

Youngbae kicked him under the table and Seunghyun laughed, mouth open and rice stuck to his lip. It was so childlike, the mischievous glint in Seunghyun’s eye infectious. “Hyuuung,” he whined.

“Look there’s some good stuff here. You are drawn to clean lines. That’s a good thing. They will look good and clean, highlighting the organic nature of the river views.” Seunghyun said, all business again but laughter still in his eyes. “Have you thought of a palette?”

“Um.” Pointing at furniture that looked cool was one thing but _color_.

“Have you considered a monochrome?” Seunghyun threw him a lifeline.

“Monochrome!” Instead of picking a dozen colors he just needed to pick one.

“White, grey, black?”

“Black!” Youngbae said and Seunghyun’s eyes widened.

“Nice, Bae.”

“Thanks,” Youngbae said. Seunghyun seemed impressed and Youngbae almost preened. For all that he was a supposed style icon, the designation had never really settled well on his shoulders. It felt more like rub-off from Jiyong and even Seunghyun himself. It suddenly seemed ridiculously important that Seunghyun be pleased.

They ended their lunch then parted, Youngbae feeling a little unsettled.

“I’ll send some stuff your way,” Seunghyun promised. “Also, think about things that make you happy.”

“Happy?”

“Yeah.”

 

 

Seunghyun headed back home under the pretense of tweaking a few songs he’d been working on for his indefinitely postponed solo-album. While in the back of a cab he flicked through some of his favorite designer blogs and considered what he’d noticed of Youngbae’s taste. It _was_ good taste. Seunghyun just got a particular thrill of tweaking Youngbae. It was adorable fun.

 _Careful, Seunghyun_ , he warned himself. He was approaching an incredibly ill-advised crush. Still it felt good, he tried to reason with himself. He’d never let himself actually contemplate a real friendship with Youngbae for all that he genuinely liked the other man. But here they were, the perfect opportunity to get to know one another and build something outside of the shadow of their group and Jiyong.

It was nice, and he wanted to be able to enjoy it for what it was. Still, he should be careful. Seunghyun knew himself well enough to know what a powerful catnip the design process could be to his desire. Something about the act of creating was incredibly intimate. It what had ensnared Jiyong and him, afterall.  

Shaking his head, Seunghyun forced himself to focus on the present. Boundaries would be important. He didn’t feel like breaking his heart and nearly destroying the group again. “Aish,” he snapped at himself. He knocked his head against the window and stared at the city slipping by. That whole line of thinking needed to stop. Taking a deep breath, he watched the passing streets.


	3. Chapter 3

Seunghyun gave himself a few days; part of his ‘boundaries. A space that would keep him from skirting too close to an edge he only really sensed rather than saw. He emailed Youngbae a list of designers he thought would appeal to his aesthetic. 

Youngbae opened the email and felt a small twinge of disappointment. He’d actually enjoyed “shopping” with Seunghyun and a part of him had hoped to do it again. The email detailing designers that might appeal to him felt a bit - cold. Youngbae read through it several times, feeling more unsettled with each pass. It was perfectly polite and yet - it was a tone thing but he couldn’t quite describe what it was about it that bothered him. 

Disappointed, he closed his computer and decided he should spend the night in the studio. But his whole album was an exercise in frustration and he’d rather do anything else with his time. Still, obligations were obligations and he packed up and headed into work. 

“Taeyang-Sshi,” the receptionist greeted him as he checked in. “The PR department was looking for you.”

“Me?” Youngbae asked. “Why?” He racked his brain trying to figure out why they would want him. There was no trouble that he could think of - and if were big trouble he’d be called to the CEO’s office, not PR. His album was nowhere near ready and-

“I don’t know they just sent down a note to send you up there when you checked in.”

“Oh-kay.” Youngbae texted Jiyong to let him know he’d be in late and diverted up to the administrative floor. 

“Taeyang-Sshi,” the executive assistant for the head of PR greeted him. He tried to remember her name but he wasn’t sure they’d ever been introduced. She looked new. “Team Leader Noh has been waiting go on ahead.”

He made his way forward and knocked on the open door frame to Noh Eunhye-Sshi’s office. 

“Oh, you’re here,” she said and she waved him in while ruffling through papers on her desk. “How are you settling in to your new house?” she asked as he sat in the large chair across from her. 

“Oh - uh very well, thank you.” Youngbae’s brows furrowed as he tried to figure out what his new house had to do with anything.

“We understand Top-Sshi is helping you with the interior design.”

“Well, yeah,” Youngbae blinked. It hadn’t been a secret but he couldn’t remember having actually told anyone that Seunghyun had offered to help him with the house. Maybe Seunghyun had mentioned it.

“Vogue Korea has expressed some interest in doing a feature on the place, once you have it set up.”

“Ah.” A weight settled onto his chest. He remembered that he  _ had _ mentioned it at his recent Vogue shoot with Jiyong. “I’m not sure.”

“It would be good for the company,” she said. “The CEO in particular, seemed to like the idea.”

“Yeah, they could, I mean.” Always the people pleaser, Youngbae couldn’t find it in himself to say no. 

_ Hyung!!! _ , he texted as soon as he left her office. There was no answer by the time he arrived in the recording studio. Youngbae sighed. Sometimes Seunghyun was always  _ there _ and sometimes - it was like the man didn’t know what technology was. 

“Everything ok?” Jiyong asked when he finally settled into work in his favorite studio.

“Yeah, Vogue Korea wants to do a feature on my new house.” He tried for nonchalant and succeeded. 

“Hey, man, that’s awesome!” Jiyong said. “Wait, I thought you weren’t even unpacked yet.”

“Yeah, I was stupid and mentioned the house at that shoot we did last week and-” It had just been an off-hand comment, a joke with the Vogue lady and now she was calling up to make good on his offer. “Seunghyun had better have good ideas,” he muttered to himself.

“Wow, Seunghyun’s helping you set up your place.” There was  _ something _ in Jiyong’s tone that irritated Youngbae.

“Yeah, he offered,” Youngbae said, voice a little too casual. “Do you have that song you’d talked about?” 

Youngbae fought to focus through their session. The song was good, he bopped his head to it appreciatively and he tried to be encouraging and positive when Jiyong looked at him expectantly. Really, it  _ was  _ good. He just couldn’t pay attention to it. All he could think about was the fact that he was going to be in Vogue, and it wasn’t a photoshoot or regular interview. It was a feature on his house, which was still swamped with boxes. He needed so much help. 

“Ya, you ok? Distracted?” Jiyong asked as they were packing up. “You  _ do _ like the song right?”

“Yeah, love it,” Youngbae said. He slumped his shoulders and actually looked at Jiyong. “It’s just the Vogue thing.”

Jiyong grimaced and there were thoughts behind his eyes Youngbae couldn’t quite parse. “Well, hyung will be helping you.” 

“Yeah, that’ll be good.”

They walked in silence to the elevator and then looked up at the door in unison, watching the numbers count down. “You know I could help too, if you want,” Jiyong said softly, “I’m not Seunghyun, but-”

“Oh yeah, yeah I know,” Youngbae said a touch to fast. “Yeah that would be cool.”

“Anyways,” Jiyong said, stepping out of the elevator. “I’m glad you and Seunghyun are getting along. See ya, Bae.” Jiyong gave a little wave and sauntered off to the garage. Youngbae replayed their conversation but gave up trying to read all the layers. Relationships were complicated things. 

  
  


Seunghyun had been expecting an easy night. Some wine, some music, maybe unwind a bit with some porn- then he opened his front door to Youngbae in a panic. 

“Don’t you check your messages, hyung?” Youngbae asked, pushing past Seunghyun and shucking off his shoes,  foregoing slippers. 

Seunghyun followed him into the living room, not bothering to respond, blank face the only answer he needed. 

“Yeah ok, I know, I know,” Youngbae said. Seunghyun was at best an absent landlord when it came to his phone. “Vogue wants to do a spread on my house.”

“Nice!” Seunghyun went to the kitchen for an extra glass.

“I just made a stupid comment and now Vogue wants to do a profile, what the heck!” Youngbae wasn’t hysterical, not quite, but there was definite panic.

“I dunno, this could be fun, good, whatever.” Seunghyun shoved a glass and Youngbae.

“I’m not a style icon, you know, I’m just a guy.” Youngbae drank in deep gulps. “You and Ji are the fashionable ones.”

“So don’t do it.” Seunghyun never understood why everyone seemed to have so much trouble saying no.

“I already agreed,” Youngbae said as he finished off his glass.

“Of course you did,” Seunghyun said as he poured another for Youngbae. 

“Bae, you’ve been around enough, you have a good eye. The spread will be ok. I’ll help, it’s ok.” Seunghyun gave a gentle nudge, pushing Youngbae to the couch. 

“I know, I know.” 

Seunghyun put on some music and sank into the opposite side of the couch where Youngbae sat stressing. 

“Sometimes I just-,” Youngbae drank and didn’t finish the thought. Seunghyun opted to wait. “Pink Floyd, nice,” Youngbae said after a full track. “Vinyl?”

“Yeah. It’s good for just chilling.” 

“Nice sound.”

“You know it will be ok. I won’t let you look a fool. And you really  _ do _ have good instincts. You’ve been around creative people for long enough. It  _ will _ be ok.”

Youngbae leaned forward, elbows on knees, eyes down on the wineglass he held in both hands. Seunghyun watched as Youngbae spun it in his fingers. 

“Sometimes I feel like such a fraud.” Just speaking the words made them more terrifying.

“Me too,” Seunghyun confessed.

Youngbae looked up at him, eyes wide.  “But you’re, you, you’re so creative. You and Jiyong.” 

“Doesn’t matter.”

“I’m just vocals. I don’t write like you guys do. I mean I have ideas but-”

“And yet we still feel like frauds. Jiyong and me. I think everyone does sometimes.” Feelings Seunghyun often fought to ignore came bubbling up and he let them. Empathy for Youngbae rolled through him. “I think it’s just part of creating. And the pressure-”

“Yeah, the pressure.”

“But you just have to work on being you.”

“Sometimes I’m not sure- I’ve been picking songs for my new album and - they’re so not YG.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I don’t know. I like them. I want to do - something else.” Silenced stretched and one song shifted into another. “I don’t know what I want.”

“You know, maybe that’s ok.”

They sat together, side by side, just listening and  _ being _ . When Youngbae’s glass emptied, Seunghyun refilled it. The record finished and the needle returned to its home but Seunghyun didn’t get up to replay it, didn’t put on anything else. 

The silence was warm, comfortable. He never would have thought it possible but they sat together in his apartment with only the sound of his air conditioning kicking on. He blinked and realized Youngbae was singing softly under his breath. It was a delicate tune, easy and poignant. Seunghyun waited a few measures to gauge the beat then began to slowly beatbox over it. Youngbae looked at him and smiled. He drank while Seunghyun carried the beat then he licked his lips and began to sing. 

Seunghyun had never heard the words before. He kept up what he’d started, adlibbing whenever Youngbae paused. During the second chorus he stopped to join Youngbae, freestyle rapping underlying sung words. They’d been doing it for so many years this came easily. 

That magic, elusive feeling that only came in moments of pure creation enfolded them. Looking at one another they smiled as they both recognized the fragile beauty emerging between them. After the chorus he picked the beat back up and Youngbae began to rap, voice low and rough. 

Seunghyun remembered that, originally, this was how it was going to be. The early iterations of Big Bang had not had Youngbae singing at all. Youngbae’s flow was still on point and Seunghyun grinned. 

Youngbae added one more verse then broke off and they subsided into silence. 

“Wow,” Seunghyun said. His heart thundered in his chest and he struggled to speak. 

“It’s one of the songs I want on the album,” Youngbae explained, his breath coming in rough bursts. Their smiles turned to wide grins as they sank back into their seats, content. “I’ve been collaborating with a few writers I met a while back in California.”

“I like it.” Seunghyun said. He paused then added,.”I like you rapping.”

“Want I take your job?”

Seunghyun laughed and polished off his glass of wine. “Maybe.”

“You were never cut out for this were you?” Youngbae asked, suddenly serious.

“I don’t know,” Seunghyun found himself admitting. Celebrity was not what he’d imagined. Nothing close. “I can’t imagine doing anything else though.”

“Me neither.”

“I’m going to rap on Ri’s album.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Maybe I really  _ will  _ take over your job.” Youngbae looked cocky.

Seunghyun stretched his mouth, blew through his lips a couple times and then let rip the ace he’d been hiding up his sleeve. Time to put Youngbae back in his place.

> Ganadaramabasa ajachakatapaha neuri bouhasa
> 
> Uju wireul bogo deutneun neukkim nan geop eomneun mongsangga
> 
> Domangga, an domangga neohui jigeum mulmannasseo
> 
> God God God God gomageul ssitgineun Shower

Youngbae watched him, slack jawed. He started whistling part way through and set his wineglass down to shake a hand in appreciation.

“Damn, yo,” Youngbae said after Seunghyun finished. 

“Third verse is faster,” Seunghyun said smugly.

“Whatever, I could rap,” Youngbae said and he laughed. “Is that going to go on your album?”

Seunghyun shrugged. “Define album.”

“Hyung!” Youngbae laughed. They sat for a while longer. “I feel better.”

“I’m glad.” Seunghyun met Youngbae’s eyes and they smiled at each other. “You know, you should go to California. Do more of what  _ you  _ want.”

“Yeah?”

“Worst that happens is they tell you no, but make music you want to make.”

“You’re right. Thank you, hyung.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

Youngbae was a little too tipsy that night so Seunghyun lent him an oversized pair of pajamas (well, they were normal-sized on him) and pushed him into a spare room.

  
  


The next few weeks were spent actively working on Youngbae’s place. Seunghyun couldn’t help himself, so there were more shopping trips and late nights where Youngbae attempted to sketch furniture layouts, only to be mockingly told that he had no concept of how big a couch actually was. But the mockery was always accompanied with impish smiles and laughter. 

Youngbae gave as good as he got and had taken to calling Seunghyun ‘old man’ at every chance. Seunghyun could have been affronted at such treatment from someone accepting help but - it felt too good to actually fall into easy banter with Youngbae.. 

“So you two are getting cozy,” Jiyong mentioned one day when they both happened to be at YG at the same time. 

Seunghyun didn’t respond, just looked at Jiyong. 

“Don’t look at me like that, what’s with you and Bae? You’ve never been BFF’s”.

“Do you have a problem, Jiyong?”

Jiyong narrowed his eyes. He knew all about Seunghyun’s theories on Youngbae’s sexuality though he didn’t share them. He was also protective. “Behave.”

“Whatever,” Seunghyun said and sauntered away. He didn’t need Jiyong telling him what to do anymore. 

That night after a few hours in galleries - Youngbae seemed particularly taken with David Mach as further evidence of his good taste - and a few more hours over wine and finger foods Youngbae again crashed at Seunghyun’s. It was becoming a regular occurrence and Seunghyun found himself welcoming it. His conscious nagging uncomfortably until he told it to go to hell, it was nice having Youngbae around. And for Youngbae’s part, the spare room began taking on a home-away-from-home feel. 

  
  


As predicted, the feature in Vogue was a success. “I sound so savvy, hyung,” Youngbae said as they read it through together in the YG lounge Big Bang regularly claimed as their own. 

“Skilled liar,” Seunghyun teased.

“You know it.” Youngbae leaved through the magazine. “They liked all the toys.”

“I told you filling it with things that made you happy would be a good idea.”

“They seemed really impressed.”

“You did good, Dong Youngbae,” Seunghyun said and Youngbae actually blushed. “Ya.” Seunghyun clapped a hand on Youngbae’s shoulder. “Let me take you out to dinner, to celebrate.” 

“That would be nice.” 

Seunghyun took him to a little hole in the wall he knew. Actually, he’d discovered it with Jiyong and had ‘won’ it post-breakup. The maitre-d greeted him at the door and led them to his usual booth, drawing a curtain for privacy. 

Youngbae perused the menu while Seunghyun consulted the wine list. They sat in comfortable silence, their thoughts their own but companionship filling the table. Once they’d ordered they filled the air with light gossip. Trainees, the group, shared friends, music-

“So I’ve got the go ahead on a couple of songs.”

“Yeah?” Seunghyun said then shifted back to allow their server to place his meal down. “Which songs?”

Youngbae’s eyes fluttered and he whispered quietly over his food before looking up at Seunghyun, abashed “Teddy-hyung’s song  and that banger Ji wrote.”

“I like those,” Seunghyun said blandly. 

“They’re pretty YG.” Youngbae poked at his dinner. 

“They are.” Seunghyun took too-big a bite and let silence do it’s work.

“I just don’t want him to say no. The CEO is very-”

“Opinionated,” Seunghyun said. 

“You really, really shouldn’t talk with your mouth full. Like really,” Youngbae chastised. He looked at his plate. “Anyways we’re looking at MV scheduling. The company wants me to film in California.”

“Hey that’s great! You’ll get a chance to go hang with those guys you’ve been collaborating with.”

“Yeah-” Youngbae actually stopped playing with his food long enough to eat.

“What?”

“Jiyong suggested Min Hyo Rin for the MVs.” 

“Yeah? She likes me you know.” 

“Huh?” Youngbae asked dumbly. 

“She said I’m one of the actors she most wants to work with.” Seunghyun preened a little. 

“Yeah well I’m gonna get her first,” Youngbae said. 

“So the album is gonna be ready soon, huh?”

“I don’t know. I’ve only shared just those two songs-”

“But you told them you  have a whole album,” Seunghyun said, leading. 

“Yeah I just-” The cutlery clattered to the table. “Hyung, I know they aren’t going to go for it.”

“You won’t know if you don’t try.”

Under the pretext of proximity to the restaurant, Youngbae crashed in Seunghyun’s spare room again. He fell asleep almost instantly despite creative anxiety threatening insomnia. Something about Seunghyun’s place was just - soothing.

Seunghyun, on the other hand spent the night in creation, fine tuning the song he’d rapped for Youngbae,  _ Doom Dada  _ its working title _.  _ Dr. Strangelove played on the television in the background. Youngbae left early in the morning, bound for the studio. Seunghyun just kept working.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Next update by the end of the weekend. Let me know what you think! Comments are always welcome!


	4. Chapter 4

He’d felt it coming for days. He was used to the signs. Still, it had been long enough that Seunghyun had begun to hope that it would never happen again. Unfortunately, depression was a jealous and temperamental mistress. 

It had been a busy flurry of weeks, everyone was busy with comebacks or potential comebacks. He was really, genuinely proud of Jiyong. Really he was. 

Maybe it was that he’d been left alone for too long. That might be it. Seunghyun rolled over in bed some time shy of noon and fought with himself for a good hour before acquiescing that there really was no good reason to get out of bed. Unless it was for another bottle of wine, that was. 

Settling back in bed with just a bottle, eschewing the middle-man that was an actual glass, Seunghyun set about to maintain last night's inebriation through another day.

He slept and woke to growing shadows. At some point his maid service had come by but they were acquainted with his quirks. He was left, blissfully, alone.

Part of his mind blamed his mother for taking an extended stay in the States but really he knew this was his own fault.  _ Why would anyone  _ want _ to spend time with this?  _ Mentally he gestured at himself, in rumpled pajamas, in a rumpled bed. His stomach grumbled and he fed it more wine. 

The world spun in a soft, blunted haze. This was good.

Or not good.

But he really didn’t give a fuck. 

As twilight encroached he shuffled out to the living room, priding himself for his productivity. He collapsed on the couch and turned on the television for noise. 

There was a familiar beep at his front door and Seunghyun looked to his foyer, bleary eyed. The world seemed to dance and Youngbae appeared.

“Hyung!” Youngbae said. Seunghyun flinched. “Where have you been I’ve been texting you for two days!”

“Ya, don’t shout.” Seunghyun gestured to himself. “I’ve been here.”

“I didn’t shout.” Youngbae crossed to him and took in the room, Seunghyun’s state. He’d heard of these bouts from Jiyong but had never actually seen one. He tamped down on the concerned panic churning his stomach and took Seunghyun by the arm. “Come on, old man, you stink.”

Seunghyun tried to shove Youngbae off but was spectacularly unsuccessful as he was hauled up to standing. Youngbae slipped under his right arm and wrapped one of his own arms around Seunghyun’s waist. “Come on you giant lush.”

Youngbae walked him to the master restroom, griping about Seunghyun’s body odor the whole way. Seunghyun spared a glance for his reflection and grimaced. “Wow, I look like shit.” 

“Yeah, you do, now go.” Youngbae leaned into the shower to turn it on then left Seunghyun to blearily sort himself out. 

> **Youngbae 6:48pm**
> 
> Ya, Seunghyun’s pretty shot
> 
> **Jiyong 6:48 pm**
> 
> Shit. I’m stuck where I am.
> 
> **Youngbae 6:49pm**
> 
> What can I do?
> 
> **Jiyong 6:49 pm**
> 
> Get him talking if you can, he closes up sometimes. Just hang around mostly. His thoughts are his worst enemy.
> 
> **Youngbae 6:49pm**
> 
> I can do that.
> 
> Thanks Ji.
> 
> **Jiyong 6:50 pm**
> 
> Ya, I’m glad you were able to go over. 
> 
> **Youngbae 6:50pm**
> 
> I shouldn’t have let him alone so long. I’ve been sleeping by the studio for days ...the album, just..
> 
> **Jiyong 6:50 pm**
> 
> Hey, you can’t fix him. And you have a life, too. He isn’t your responsibility. He’s a grown man. 
> 
> ….but we can help.
> 
> **Youngbae 6:50pm**
> 
> Yeah. I’ll probably hang here tonight.
> 
> **Jiyong 6:51 pm**
> 
> Hey, thanks Bae. Really.
> 
> I worry about him so much still
> 
> **Youngbae 6:51pm**
> 
> Yeah me too. 
> 
> **Youngbae 6:54pm**
> 
> Gotta go, I think he’s getting sick. 
> 
> **Jiyong 6:54 pm**
> 
> Try to keep him from drinking more.
> 
> **Youngbae 6:55pm**
> 
> Yeah right.

Sure enough, Seunghyun had thrown up but at least he’d had the presence of mind to do so in the toilet. 

“Ya! I’m naked!” Seunghyun shouted as Youngbae ran into the bathroom.

“Whatever, I have a dick too,” Youngbae said but he threw a towel around Seunghyun anyways. Seunghyun looked too skinny, he noted. He patted Seunghyun’s back soothingly.

“You done?” He asked and when Seunghyun nodded he leaned forward to flush the toilet. “You aren’t done cleaning off,” he declared as Seunghyun stood, towel clutched low on his hips. 

“Oh if only the fangirls could see this,” he joked, mostly to get a laugh out of Seunghyun. He counted a weak smile as a win. 

“They would probably throw up, themselves,” Seunghyun said, self-deprecating.

Youngbae rolled his eyes. “Whatever, get your ass back in the shower.” He watched, eagle eyed, as Seunghyun navigated the tub but he did so without incident. “And if you want help getting abs you just have to ask.” He shut the door and took in the bedroom. It was worse off than Seunghyun. 

First thing to do was open the windows to air out the stink. Rummaging through the kitchen provided him with both trash bags and leftover soup. He set the soup to warm and started the rice cooker then set to work cleaning Seunghyun’s room.

“Ya, Bae!” Seunghyun shouted as he opened the bathroom door to an almost spotless bedroom. “What are you doing!”

Youngbae walked in, arms loaded with fresh bedding. “Cleaning.” He tossed the bedding onto the sofa and began sorting through it. 

Seunghyun didn’t bother fighting. Mamma-Bae had  _ that _ look on his face. It brought back warm memories from living cheek to jowl in Japan. Man, that had been a different time.

“Stop standing there and get dressed,” Youngbae said. “Unless you like putting on a show.”

Seunghyun became uncomfortably aware of the beads of water tracing their way down his torso and scrunched up his face. He disappeared into his closet. “Fresh clothes, hyung!” Youngbae shouted at him and Seunghyun dropped the pajama pants he’d picked up from the hamper. They’d almost stood on their own so he figured Youngbae had a point. 

From the kitchen his rice cooker beeped and Seunghyun realized he’d been smelling his mother’s soup. 

“Frozen leftovers are now... reheated.” Youngbae’s words were short and Seunghyun looked up to see him fighting to get the fitted sheet across the matress. He went to help but the room spun dangerously as he bent over and then Youngbae was there, arms at his sides, steadying him. He looked down to meet Youngbae’s concerned gaze. 

“Go eat, hyung, I’ll finish in here.” 

Seunghyun needed space, distance. He fled to the kitchen. As he sat he contemplated. How long had he been jealous of Jiyong, of Seungri? Even Daesung on occasion had been the recipient of Youngbae’s mothering. And here he was, now, in Seunghyun’s house, making his bed, making him dinner. 

He couldn’t even name the rushing emotions that surged as he scooped his rice into his soup. A little plate of kimchi settled by his hand and he looked up and realized Youngbae had been talking to him for a while.

“Sorry?”

“It’s ok, hyung. Mind if I eat too?”

Seunghyun nodded. The cobwebs were starting to slip from his mind and Youngbae no longer looked like a pair of twins. They sat at the bar and ate, just like they had the first night they’d spent together in this house. 

“It’s nice to not be alone.”

Youngbae hummed and slurped up the last of his bowl. “You done?” Seunghyun nodded. “Go sit in the living room and pick out a movie. I’ll be right there.”

Seunghyun looked like he was going to protest Youngbae doing the dishes but Youngbae had no patience for it. He narrowed his lips and glared and Seunghyun retreated. 

“Do you care what we watch?” Seunghyun shouted and Youngbae shook his head. 

Finishing up in the kitchen, he joined Seunghyun on the couch and plopped two large water bottles on the coffee table.

They sat and watched a rerun of Running Man. 

“You know, you worry us, hyung.” 

Seunghyun turned to look at him and Youngbae met his eyes. He opted for full honesty. “You worry  _ me _ , hyung. I leave in a few days for California, are you going to be ok?”

“I’m fine Youngbae,” Seunghyun lied and looked away. “I’ll be fine,” he muttered.

“You know, you’re full of shit.” Youngbae’s language spoke for itself. He turned back to the television and grabbed the remote from Seunghyun. “I’m picking tonight,” Youngbae said as he flicked through the channels, mostly to have something to do.

“Bossy,” Seunghyun grumped but he didn’t fight it. He needed the company too much, though he hated himself for that.

_ The Grand Heist  _ was playing on cable so Youngbae settled on that. It was about twenty minutes before Seunghyun spoke again. “I hate being around people. But I hate being alone.” 

Youngbae slowly moved his fingers over the remote at his thigh and turned down the television volume, eyes not leaving the screen but not really watching anymore. Beside him, Seunghyun’s heart threatened to pound out of his chest but - he felt he owed Youngbae an explanation at least for all that only a tiny handful of people had ever gotten one before. 

“It’s too quiet without people and the thoughts get too loud,” Seunghyun said. Youngbae nodded. He knew, somewhat, what that was like. “I just. I’m such shit Youngbae. Like why are you even here?” 

“I thought we were friends,” Youngbae said to the television. Instinct told him that actually looking at Seunghyun would shut him down.

“We are,” Seunghyun said, emphatically. And in that moment he realized what that meant to him. “Thank you for being here, tonight.”

“Family can help,” Youngbae said quietly.

“Yeah mine’s all gone. Mom in the states, sis with her husband.”

“I meant us, the group.”  _ I meant me, _ Youngbae thought pointedly.

“Are we that?” Seunghyun asked

“Sometimes I think so.”

“That would be nice.”

“Who else would understand?” Youngbae asked. “Who else has starved in a tiny apartment in Japan, stayed up all night in the studio for weeks on end, listened to Teddy-hyung tell us ‘again’ even though the last take was perfect, snuck out of hotel rooms to avoid the girls out front, eaten Seungri’s eggs.” 

Seunghyun chuckled. Youngbae leaned towards him and Seunghyun reciprocated. They sat shoulder to shoulder, legs up on Seunghyun’s expensive coffee table, water bottles twin towers between their feet. 

“Family is nice,” Seunghyun commented. 

“How is your sister?” Youngbae asked, searching for any topic to keep Seunghyun talking. “I’ve always liked her.” 

“She’s good.” There was a genuine lightness to Seunghyun’s voice. “She’s trying to have a kid, you know.”

Youngbae’s grin spread wide. “Ya, that’s awesome. Man, I love kids.”

“They’re ok, I guess,” Seunghyun said.

“What, you don’t want kids?”

Seunghyun shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve never seen myself wanting them, honestly.” 

The thought of not having kids rocked Youngbae. Kids, a wife, a family of his own, had been a central feature of every possible permutation of his hoped-for future. He couldn’t even contemplate a life without those, someday. “Wow,” he whispered.

“There’s nothing wrong with that!” Seunghyun said, voice tight.

“No, no of course not. I just - having kids and wives and families is what people  _ do _ .” Youngbae looked at Seunghyun and added, “I always thought.”

“I don’t think I want that.” Seunghyun said.

“I think that’s ok. I mean you don’t  _ have _ to.”

“I’d be a shit father.” 

“Bullshit, you’d be a great father.” Youngbae was emphatic. There was no way Seunghyun could be a bad father.  _ Except for the drinking, and prickly manner, and expensive taste and-  _ no _ ,  _ Seunghyun would put that all aside for a kid, he knew _. _

“I don’t really like women enough,” Seunghyun confessed. “I mean I like them, I’ve dated a few but - I prefer guys.”

Discomfort settled on Youngbae’s shoulders. They’d always avoided talking about sexuality. It wasn’t that they avoided it, they just - avoided it. “Yeah? But I have heard of couples that do it anyway.”

Seunghyun looked at him with a blank, even stare. 

“Yeah, you’re right.” There was no way that was happening. Not unless Seunghyun decided to leave showbiz altogether and move somewhere else. 

“I dunno, I just don’t think I want them even. They’re nice but-” Seunghyun’s words drifted off.

“No, it makes sense.” As anathematic as it seemed, it did make sense. “I still think you’d make a good dad.”

“Hey, thanks,” Seunghyun said, not completely sarcastic.

They both focused back on the movie. Min Hyorin came on screen. “So I got her for my MV,” Youngbae said proudly. 

“You’re blushing,” Seunghyun teased.

“Shut up.”

“She likes me best.”

Youngbae shoved at him with his shoulder. “I said shut up and watch the movie.”

For all that he’d apparently stayed in bed for a couple days straight, Seunghyun passed out quickly once they settled down. His head rolled on the couch before landing on Youngbae’s shoulder. Youngbae kept very still. Seunghyun had managed to sleep without alcohol and he didn’t want to do anything to disturb it. 

He watched through the end of the movie, and the next movie. He watched straight through until infomercials were replaced by news reruns and his arm fell asleep. 

Eventually Seunghyun shifted, heavy lidded eyes opening just enough to guide him into stretching out on the couch, head pillowed on the armrest opposite Youngbae, feet dangling in the air in front of his knees. 

Blood flooded back into his hand in painful release and Youngbae sighed softly. He stood and gingerly guided Seunghyun’s feet onto the couch. Seunghyun curled into himself and shivered so Youngbae reached for the blanket thrown over an armchair. 

Slowly, he draped the blanket over Seunghyun. He stood and watched Seunghyun a moment, heart aching. He looked like a little boy, face smooth and at peace. His dark hair dusted his forehead.

“Aish, don’t you have any shame, looking so peaceful after the scare you gave me?” Unbidden, Youngbae’s fingers moved to brush at Seunghyun’s hair. He sighed, “you do worry me, hyung.”

He padded away to sleep in the room he usually used but couldn’t help looking back, reassuring himself Seunghyun was ok. “It’s not fair you’re so pretty.”

Peace for his hyung was the only thing he prayed for that night.

  
  


Youngbae managed to drag Seunghyun out into public the next day and then spent the next night over, too, for good measure. So it was that when he found himself at 2 am panicking over packing for his early morning flight to California, Seunghyun was there to save the day. 

“Wow, might as well move in,” Seunghyun said as he looked appraisingly at the pile of dirty clothes he’d dumped on the bed in Youngbae’s de facto room. He threw himself atop them, ignoring Youngbae’s shouts.

“I didn’t realize I’d been staying here that much. Hey, here’s where that jacket went.” 

“It’s September, why do you need a jacket?”

“This from you,” Youngbae snarked and shoved Seunghyun off the dirty clothes to begin sorting. “Mind if I do some laundry right now?”

Seunghyun waved towards the laundry room. “Help yourself but you’re on your own for working it.” 

_ Of course _ . Youngbae rolled his eyes. “You can borrow a suitcase if you want,” Seunghyun offered. Seunghyun felt the edges of depression stroke his heart. He was going to miss Youngbae. Youngbae who’d cleaned him up and got him out of the house. Youngbae who’d worked some scheduling magic to actually have a day off before flying out for an MV filming. “I can help you fold, too.”

“That would be good,” Youngbae replied. “Hey, wanna hear something?” Seunghyun nodded and Youngbae pulled a flashdrive out of his pant’s pocket. “Here put this on.” He waved at the laptop he’d placed on the desk and Seunghyun complied. 

Youngbae’s voice came through the speakers, the song he’d sung a few months back, actual instruments taking the place of Seunghyun’s beatboxing. Feeling self-conscious, Youngbae scooped up his clothes and walked off to the laundry room, leaving Seunghyun to sprawl across his bed. 

He came back and Seunghyun hadn’t moved. He was still laying spread-eagled on the bed, eyes closed. The speakers were playing the third track. “Hyung likes this, Bae,” Seunghyun said when he heard the whisper of Youngbae’s slippers on the tile by the bed. 

“I hoped you would.”

“Has the CEO heard it yet?”

“Not yet. I’m gonna play the whole thing for him after I get back. He’s not going to like it.”

“Yeah, it’s not his thing but, you should go for it anyways.”

“I’m not you, hyung, I can’t just walk in and say I’m releasing this song and that just happens.” 

Seunghyun shrugged and grabbed Youngbae’s arm, yanking him onto the bed. “Shut up and listen to this, it’s good.” He scooched over to let Youngbae lie next to him and they listened to the whole album twice. 

“Whatever happens, this is good, Bae.”

 

Youngbae was gone for days, filming multiple MVs, fitting a surprise live performance between that and putting the finishing touches on what he hoped would be an impressive album. Impressive enough, he hoped, to live up to two years of fan expectation and CEO Yang’s exacting standards. Seunghyun’s endorsement rang in his ears the whole trip. 

He did manage another feat while overseas.

> **Youngbae 11:23 pm**
> 
> She might like you best, but I got her number and a date.

Yeah, he was bragging but he couldn’t help himself. He, Youngbae who had no game, had actually had the guts to get her number  _ and _ a promise for dinner. He’d been smart and done it before the bed scene. After the nerve-wracking anxiety of potential rejection had been faced, rolling around half naked on a bed kissing her in front of a film crew had been - well not easy but not as painfully awkward as it could have been. 

Seunghyun actually had his phone on him for once to hear the notification go off. He read Youngbae’s text and smiled. If the smile was tinged with sadness, there was no one around to see it.

> **Seunghyun 3:22pm**
> 
> Good for you! Fighting!

The dangerous more-than-friend feelings lurking in the corners of his heart threatened to surge. To be honest, they’d always been there, probably the only reason he hadn't cut Youngbae off entirely after the breakup with Jiyong.

Youngbae was ridiculously attractive in ways that pleased more than just the eyes. To have Youngbae turn his compassionate care on Seunghyun in full force, to have Youngbae sliding easily into Seunghyun’s home and life was going to be his downfall. 

Seunghyun remembered Jiyong’s warning and begrudgingly acknowledged it. Jiyong had the right of it. 

> **Seunghyun 3:22pm**
> 
> “Hey, when you coming back?”
> 
> **Youngbae 3:23pm**
> 
> Day after tomorrow.
> 
> **Seunghyun 3:23pm**
> 
> Come over if you want.

Seunghyun thought through enough of what he was about to do to know he didn’t want to think it all the way through. He could, however, hear Jiyong’s voice calling him a manipulative asshole as he called a few friends. Seunghyun had long ago accepted his damned fate.

> **Youngbae 3:40pm**
> 
> Yeah! I will. Some wine and relaxation sounds good after the week I’ve had. 

Seunghyun spent the next two days pretending he’d missed that text.


	5. Chapter 5

It had been a long flight after a long day and Youngbae had never been the best at sleeping while traveling. He was really looking forward to destressing. The fact that the thought of relaxation provided an image in his mind of his bed at Seunghyun’s house and not his own didn’t register. 

His body found itself, spent and slumped as he leaned on the entrance to Seunghyun’s place and keyed in the door code. 

The sound of music and laughter slapped him in the face as he stepped through the door. He toed off his shoes and left them in a sea of heels and loafers. His usual slippers were missing. 

“What on earth-” he muttered to himself as he walked into the living room.

“Youngbae!” Jiyong shouted. “The conquering hero arrives!” Jiyong shoved a beer into his hands. “Man filmed like 2 dozen mv’s and had a concert and finished an album everyone!”

Jiyong was drunk and bubbly and incongruous in Seunghyun’s living room. So  _ this  _ was one of Seunghyun’s parties. There was something very bohemian about it. Couples and trios clumped themselves at artfully laid out groupings of furniture, some, pieces Youngbae had never seen before. He knew very few people in the room. Soo Hyuk, Jaejoong, at least. The rest were Jiyong and Seunghyun’s crowd of celebrities mixed with Seunghyun’s own eclectic collection of artists and thinkers. 

Youngbae felt like he had two heads despite no one looking at him. Jiyong threw an arm around his shoulders and walked him to a group for light chit chat. He drank from his beer feeling the exact opposite of social. 

Out of the corner of his eye he thought he saw Seunghyun on the terrace. He excused himself and made as if to go to the restroom. Seunghyun  _ was _ on the terrace. Youngbae stopped, stomach flipping uncomfortably and heart sinking to his feet as he realized Seunghyun wasn’t alone. He didn’t know the man standing pressed up to Seunghyun but there was no mistaking the intimate familiarity with which he gripped Seunghyun’s waist. 

“Bae-” Jiyong said, finding him staring. 

“Who’s that?” Youngbae asked.

“Who?” Jiyong looked out to the terrace. “Oh, that’s Jaechun. One of Seunghyun’s actor friends.”

“They look like more than friends.”

“Ya, don’t be like that.” Jiyong said, turning to Youngbae. “You’ve known Seunghyun’s been into guys for a long time. Don’t give him shit, he isn’t doing anything wrong.”

“Yeah,” Youngbae said. He felt angry and confused. There was no reason to be angry. “Sorry, I’m just tired. Long flight. I didn’t realize there was gonna be a party.” 

Over Jiyong’s shoulder he watched as Seunghyun laid a heavy kiss on Jaechun. He hissed and Jiyong turned again. “Aye, I guess they’re about to be back on.” 

“Back on?”

“They’ve been off and on for a while. Since us.” 

Youngbae had been ‘friends’ with Seunghyun, practically living in this very house for almost six months and this was the first he’d ever even heard the man’s name. “I didn’t know.”

“He’s usually pretty hush hush about who he dates but I didn’t think -” He broke off as Seunghyun noticed them and waved them over. “Come meet him, he’s a great guy.” 

Youngbae balked, legs refusing to move. “Ya, don’t be rude,” Jiyong chided and gave him a pull.

“So much for wine and chill,” Youngbae snarked as he greeted Seunghyun and his companion. 

“Sorry?” Seunghyun said, playing dumb. Youngbae was strung out and Seunghyun felt a pang of conscious. Ignoring it, he wrapped an arm around Jaechun’s waist and turned him to make introductions. 

Jiyong narrowed his eyes as he watched the interplay, listened and heard through the stilted conversation. He knew both Seunghyun and Youngbae too well. There were currents running deep, pulling at him. 

Youngbae didn’t stay long, pleading fatigue and making his farewells. Jiyong noted Youngbae’s glare back at the flirting couple beside him before he left. He side-eyed Seunghyun, littering Jaechun’s cheek with pecks before following Youngbae out. 

“Yah, Bae,” he said, catching Youngbae in the foyer, fighting with his suitcase. “Dude, did you come straight from the airport?”

“Yeah, I was gonna hang with hyung tonight. Seem’s he’s busy though,” he said bitterly. 

“Woah, you ok?” Jiyong asked. Youngbae was actually angry and Jiyong couldn’t quite understand why.

“Yeah, I’m just tired.”

“Oh-kay, um, want me take you home?”

“You’re not driving anywhere like this,” Youngbae said, waving his hand to encompass Jiyong’s inebriation. “Just go,” Youngbae waved, “have fun.”

“Ok, you meeting with CEO Yang tomorrow?”

Youngbae sighed like the weight of the world was on his shoulders and nodded. Jiyong squeezed his best-friend’s arm. “You’ll be ok. Go home and rest.” Youngbae nodded.

Jiyong watched him leave then turned and stalked back to Seunghyun. Fuckery was going on and he was going to get to the bottom of it. “Jaechun, can I have a moment?”

Jaechun eyed him warily. He’d been there for Seunghyun’s side of the epic GDnTop fallout years back. Seunghyun rubbed his shoulder reassuringly and nodded to the party indoors. “I’ll be ok,” he promised.

Jiyong waited until they were alone before unleashing at Seunghyun. “What the hell is going on? No don’t try to play innocent, I know all of your shitty tricks so don’t bother.”

Seunghyun looked abashed. “I don’t know, Jiyong.”

“Seunghyun, so help me-”

“No, serious. I just - we’ve been getting close. I just want to be sure it isn’t too close. You know. Boundaries.”

“You seriously don’t  _ still _ think Youngbae is gay for you?” Jiyong scoffed. His mind replayed Youngbae the whole evening, the way he’d been looking at Seunghyun and Jaechun out here. He felt his confidence waver.  _ Maybe that  _ was  _ jealousy _ .

“I know he feels something. I don’t know what. I could feel something too. I just - I’m trying to be safe.”

“Safe? How does flaunting around with Jae make you safe?”

Seunghyun shrugged. “Youngbae’s dating now.” 

Jiyong reeled. “Dating? Who?”

Seunghyun blinked, surprised that he’d known first. That couldn’t be a good sign. “Hyorin, Min Hyorin. I don’t know if they’re  _ dating _ really, I just know they have a date.” He tried to soften the blow of knowing before Youngbae’s bestfriend.

“So what’s this with Jae then?” Truly Seunghyun’s mind sometimes seemed incomprehensible, even to someone who’d known him decades.

“Self preservation,” Seunghyun said. “And protection. For him.”

“Protecting him, by hurting him? Because he was pretty hurt.”

“Yeah, why do you think Jiyong?”

“Because you sprang a party on him!”

Seunghyun hummed. “You already know what I think.” Seunghyun pushed himself away from the railing. “You told me to be careful, watch myself. That’s what I’m doing.”

Jiyong had no response to that. “Do you  _ really _ think he has a thing for you?”

“I think he’s attracted. I don’t think he knows it’s even possible but - sometimes -”

Jiyong sighed and pressed his wrist to his forehead. He felt too hot. It had to be the alcohol. “Fine, fine, you do you.” He turned and walked out. Jiyong wavered, feeling torn between going back for another round with Seunghyun and going to Youngbae. He opted to let it go.

> **Jiyong 10:10pm**
> 
> Hey you make it home?
> 
> **Youngbae 10:12 pm**
> 
> Yeah. Gonna go to bed. 

Jiyong contemplated bringing up Hyorin but decided to not. Youngbae would tell him when he was ready. The thought provided no comfort but it was what it was. 

> **Jiyong 10:30 pm**
> 
> Seunghyun wasn’t trying to shove his gay in your face. It’s just him and Jae.

Youngbae studied the text without response. He knew that. To be honest, he had no clue why we was upset. He wasn’t even sure he  _ was _ upset. As he stared at his phone a text from Hyorin popped up. She was looking forward to their date next week. His heart fluttered but it couldn’t dislodge the knot in his stomach. Suddenly the whole world seemed to be too much. Bed was what he needed.

  
  


Seunghyun woke up to what looked like mid-morning light. Jaechun purred and rolled into him. It felt good but not  _ really _ good. Sometimes it was just nice to wake up to a warm body. He looked down at the profile snuggled into his chest and smiled. The sex had been as excellent as ever. But he wasn’t really up for another ride on this merry go round. 

He extricated himself and puttered his way into the kitchen.  _ Good thing I have a maid service _ , he said to himself, surveying the carnage. It had been a pretty good party, all told. 

Unbidden, Youngbae’s face from the night before came forward in his mind. Yeah, he’d been shitty. But he’d also been right to firmly establish who and what they were to one another. Youngbae would never be ready to cross all the ropes confining his sexuality. Seunghyun needed to remind himself of that. 

“Hey.” Jaechun emerged from the bedroom clad in only Seunghyun’s robe. 

“Morning, want some juice?”

“Yeah, that sounds good.” Jaechun took the stool Youngbae usually did and waited for his drink. “So,” he said after his first gulp, “was it just last night or -”

“Just last night.” 

“Yeah figured.” Jaechun shrugged. “Man it was good though.” He drained his glass and pulled back. “You’ll call me if you ever wanna go again?”

Seunghyun smiled and nodded. 

When Jae was gone the silence threatened to crush him. He needed to get out of the house, clear his head. His schedule was light. For once there really wasn’t much going on for him officially. He took his time with his shower and shave.The long cab ride over to Hongdae also helped him sort through his thoughts. 

Stepping into the lobby, the receptionist for AA Museum greeted him with warm familiarity and waved him back, informing him of a new exhibit. 

As he walked he reminisced. He’d brought Youngbae here several times. The first time had been rough until Youngbae really accepted that all he had to do was look and feel. There was no secret to appreciating art, for all the pretensions some of his art friends like to put on. There was just the experience and whether it spoke to you or not. 

It had been fun, actually, seeing these pieces with Youngbae. It was like looking at them with new eyes. Fresh eyes. That didn’t happen often anymore. 

He paused in front of a favorite and regarded it without seeing. 

_ Boundaries _ . That’s what he’d told Jiyong.That was what he’d been striving to find since the first night he’d spent alone with Youngbae, the comforting walls that would define who and what they were. There was no way anyone could convince him that Youngbae didn’t feel more than strictly platonic emotions for him. But Seunghyun was also painfully aware of his own heart, how easy it would be to fall for someone like Youngbae for whom compassion was just another way of breathing.

Seunghyun had been burned up too many times. He’d been cruel last night, to himself most of all. He held onto the look of anger boiling in Youngbae’s eyes and seared it into his mind. 

_ No falling for closet cases _ , he reminded himself. The mantra he tried, and had all-too-frequently failed, to live by. 

This friendship that was growing between them, though, Seunghyun could never have anticipated. An easy camaraderie, quiet interdependence and solace. For so long he’d brushed off Youngbae but too many late night talks had revealed the deep inner life he’d always suspected existed. 

Youngbae wasn’t like Jiyong or Seungri, content to take things at surface value and go with the flow. Youngbae was more like Daesung, like himself. Thinking his name brought a pang of longing for Daesung, it felt like ages since they’d talked.

Seunghyun turned to a piece that had spoken deeply to Youngbae. Youngbae hadn’t had to tell him that, the fact that he’d contemplated it a full ten minutes had spoken clear enough. The piece itself was evidence that Youngbae’s mind ran deep. Of late, he’d found that when his mind ran its strange, esoteric paths Youngbae, unlike most anyone else, was right there with him. Along for the ride without judgement or mockery.

Yes, it would be far too easy to fall in love. And doing that, he’d wind up breaking again. 

_ Boundaries _ ! he reiterated to himself. That line that meant friends but lacking desire. Not lovers, or partners.

Leaving the museum, the crisp air hit him. It wasn’t  _ quite _ fall, but close enough. 

As he walked, carefully face masked and hooded, he watched the shifting light filtering through the skeleton trees as the day shifted to twilight. Something Youngbae had said suddenly snapped into his mind. 

Youngbae was playing his potential album through for the CEO today.

> **Seunghyun 5:54pm**
> 
> Ayye Bae, how’d the meeting go. 

He watched and the little greyed out bubble of Youngbae’s icon moved from above his text to below it. Seungri had informed him that that meant Youngbae had read the message. However, the three little dots that apparently meant he was responding failed to appear. 

Seunghyun twisted his mouth. Youngbae always answered texts. Boy lived like he was attached to his phone. He also hated being rude. Youngbae never left anyone hanging, he wasn’t Seunghyun after all. No, that could only mean that whatever had happened hadn’t gone well - unless they hadn’t met after all.

Seunghyun dialed CEO Yang’s receptionist. “Hey, it’s Seunghyun, Choi Seunghyun. Is Youngbae there? I’m trying to get a hold of him.”

“Yes, Seunghyun-Sshi,” her voice replied, crisp and professional, “I’m sorry but Taeyang-Sshi has already left. I can page him to see if he’s still in the building.”

“No, no, don’t bother. Thank you.” Seunghyun tapped the corner of his phone on his chin.  _ Fuck _ . The meeting had already happened and Youngbae was ignoring him. It hadn’t gone well. Seunghyun contemplated leaving Youngbae alone but the decided that didn’t fit his style at all. 

Hailing a cab, he set out to the first chicken joint he could find, or rather, that the cab driver could find. Seunghyun was admittedly hopeless with his navigation. 

  
  


Fury was a word that couldn’t come close to encapsulating the full magnitude of Youngbae’s feelings. Fury, shame, embarrassment, failure, despondence, there were so many words. Thanks to all Seunghyun’s hopeless lies, he’d actually gone into the meeting convinced it would go well.

“Yeah, this is good,” CEO Yang had said, obviously lying to spare Youngbae’s feelings. “I just don’t think the public is really going to want this image from you.”

“Fuck the public,” is what Youngbae  _ should  _ have said, would have said if he were T.O.P. Instead, complacent, peace-maker Youngbae had just nodded with an “Oh, I see, yes, sure.”

CEO Yang had liked a couple of songs. Of course they were written by the usual suspects: Jiyong, Teddy. But everything he’d loved, all  _ his _ songs listed on the carefully typed tracklist, every song that held the echos of Youngbae’s soul, had emerged from the meeting with a heavy red cross-out. 

He didn’t bother to check the tears of frustration as he drove - recklessly - through the evening streets. There was no way it could have been worse. He downshifted and waited at a red light, wanting to smash through every single car ahead of him. His hands were shaking and he took a deep breath, checking himself.  _ This is not who you are _ , he tried to tell himself. But fuck if he gave a shit right then. 

“What the  _ fuck _ ,” he snapped as he pulled into his garage. Someone was in his house and he was in no mood for people. He tried, desperately to calm down. He was bordering on irrational, no one who had the code to his house deserved his rage. 

That thought evaporated as he crossed into his kitchen and saw who was portioning out chicken into heaping piles on his flatware. “Get the fuck out, Seunghyun.”

The asshole just looked at him, eyes placid and hands paused over a plate. “I’m so sorry, Youngbae.”

“I don’t want your sorry I want you out!” Youngbae snapped. Seunghyun kept plating, fighting to keep his movements smooth and eyes down. “You and your fucking lies that it was worth it to try, that it might work. I went in there thinking I was hot shit. Why? Because Choi-fucking-Seunghyun said so.”

“I’m sorry, Bae,” Seunghyun said to the chicken. He kept his voice soft and eyes away from Youngbae. Of all the things he needed right now, a fight wasn’t it. 

“I went in and he listened to the whole damn thing. Felt them judge me. Look!” He threw the noted-up tracklist at Seunghyun. “Every one of my songs is off the album! I come back in a month and I’ve got shit! All because I listened to you!”

“You listened to your heart,” Seunghyun corrected.

“Fuck my heart. Fuck you.” He realized Seunghyun was  _ still _ plating dinner. “Fucking stop that!”

“The CEO is wrong,” Seunghyun said.

“I don’t care if he’s wrong! My album is shit thanks to you and your lies and fake promises.” 

Seunghyun’s fists tightened on the plasticware he was using to serve. They stood, anger thick between them but Seunghyun still didn’t meet Youngbae’s eyes. “Don’t you have a boyfriend to go home to or some shit?” Youngbae asked. “Go to your fucking friend and leave me alone. I don’t want you here.”

Slowly, with exquisite control, Seunghyun set the plastic ware down. He knew that Youngbae was just lashing out and he was an easy target. Still he couldn’t stop the hurt.  Seunghyun stood and looked at Youngbae, eyes piercingly sad. 

Seunghyun didn’t deserve this. Youngbae knew it. “Hyung-”

“No, it’s ok.” Seunghyun pulled off the apron. “I thought being here could be helpful. I thought I could be a friend.” 

“No, it is, you are!” Youngbae felt like shit. He never  _ lost it _ , never like he just had. “Hyung, stay.”

“No, it’s ok.” 

“Please, hyung.” Youngbae moved to get the chicken, show some sort of appreciation. “Look, see, I’ll eat.” He lurched across the kitchen floor and managed to take hold of a bag of takeout on his way down. 

“What the hell!?” Youngbae said to his ceiling.

“Yeah, um sorry, I spilled a soda coming in and didn’t get a chance to mop it up and-” 

Youngbae looked down at his still-sneakered feet. He’d been so angry he hadn’t taken them off and the soles were so worn they’d slipped right on the tile. “Aw, man.” He looked down to see his favorite hoodie stained bright orange with chicken sauce and became aware of the cool wet sensation of soda seeping through the ass of his pants. 

“Damn it, hyung,” Youngbae said. “Get over here and help me.” 

Abashed, Seunghyun complied, only to find himself jerked down into the mess of chicken and soda and kimchi, apparently. “Ya, Dong Youngbae!”

Youngbae curled in on himself with hysterical laugher. Seunghyun’s ass had landed square in a pile of sauce, perfect Tom Ford pants probably ruined forever. Youngbae’s laugh was infectious, though. Seunghyun couldn’t help but join in as they laughed, covered in food, on the floor of Youngbae’s kitchen. 

“Ya, you take this,” Youngbae said once they managed to get themselves up. Youngbae disappeared back to his bedroom and emerged with an oversized pair of pajamas. Well, oversized for Youngbae. “These were gonna be a birthday present from my mom but you can have them now.” 

“Heyy, blue pinstripe, stylish,” Seunghyun said, taking the plastic wrapped bundle. 

“Change in the spare room then put something on the TV,” Youngbae said.

“Bae, I really can leave.”

“No, no it’s ok.” Youngbae said. “Please be here when I get out. I’m gonna go shower.”

Seunghyun nodded then turned to cleaning up the living room, still in his ruined clothes. 

“You promise,” Youngbae asked. “Your ass in that couch when I come out.” 

“Aish, yeah, go shower!” Seunghyun tried to pile the chicken into a manageable mountain. 

“Seunghyun,” Youngbae said, voice quiet. Seunghyun looked up. “I’m sorry, really.”

“You needed a punching bag,” Seunghyun said, looking back to his task. “I was happy to oblige. You’ve dealt with my shit enough now. Only fair to return the favor.”

When Youngbae returned he had a clean kitchen (by Seunghyun standards at least) and two plates of the remains of chicken dinner positioned on his coffee table. Seunghyun was gleefully dipping into one of the plates, sitting cross-legged on the floor and eyes on what looked to be a rerun of 2 Days & 1 Night. 

“Ya, share,” Youngbae said, joining Seunghyun on the floor. Seunghyun shared and they were halfway through the episode before they spoke again.

“Your album is good,” Seunghyun said during a commercial break. “Really good.”

“I know you think so,” Youngbae said, words curt.

“Fuck, Bae, it’s good.” Seunghyun turned down the TV. “The CEO knows what he thinks he knows but he doesn’t know everything about music. Think, Bae. Think of all the songs of ours he didn’t want to release. He’s just a man, not a music god. He’s wrong. A lot of the time. So he doesn’t like the album. So he’s gonna throw it in the YG Jewelry Box and never let it see the light of day. It means nothing about how good it is. It just means he has an opinion and power.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“It’s true.” Seunghyun was emphatic. He needed Youngbae to know how good the album had been. He was too intimately familiar with how deeply artistic rejection stung, how powerfully it could stunt an artist. 

“Why can’t I just be like you and  _ tell _ him how it’s gonna be?”

“Cuz he isn’t scared of you. Also you haven't spent a decade cultivating the image of a stubborn asshole.”

“True.” Youngbae pushed back from the food and reclined against his couch. “I still have to come back next month.” He scrubbed at his eyes. “The company was expecting a full album and now they’re going to only have a single.” It was going to have repercussions on the 4th quarter projections. Youngbae hated failing more people than just himself. 

“Ya, want hyung to comeback too?” Seunghyun asked.

“What you mean?” Youngbae leaned forward to peck through the radish before settling on one and biting into it.

“I mean Doom Dada.” Seunghyun swiped the radish from Youngbae’s fingers and popped it in his mouth. Youngbae glared then Seunghyun’s words registered. 

“Ya, it’s ready?”

Seunghyun shrugged. “I need to stop working on it or it’s gonna be overdone. I was just gonna shelve it until I have to put out an album, but I could do it next month with you.”

“You’d do that?” Youngbae was taken back. He plucked out another piece of radish. Seunghyun was absolutely fastidious about his music. Crazy man probably had the equivalent of three albums tucked away in his home studio, only a bare handful of which had ever seen the light of day.

“Yeah, if it will help.” Seunghyun stole Youngbae’s radish again.

“Ya, cut it!” Youngbae swatted at Seunghyun who smiled and chewed, opened mouth. “Ugh, you’re disgusting.”

“You think I’m cute, admit it.” Seunghyun mentally slapped himself. He was flirting and he needed to not.

“Yes,” Youngbae sighed, ever long suffering, “you are cute for an old man.”

“Ya, so when’s your date?” Seunghyun shifted to a better subject.

“Min Hyorin?” Youngbae asked and Seunghyun nodded. “Oh in a couple days.” Youngbae blushed.

“You really like her?”

“Yeah,” Youngbae admitted. “Plus - I’ve already kissed her so all that is out of the way.” 

Seunghyun gaped at him but Youngbae seemed to gain a second wind for the chicken and grabbed another piece, taking his time nibbling. “Yo, Bae, you can’t just drop that then nothing! What the hell man!?”

Youngbae laughed and filled him in. The rage from earlier slipped away, soothed by Seunghyun’s presence.

Youngbae offered to let him stay the night but Seunghyun had the self-awareness to know better. Complaining that there’d better be no fan girls camped outside, he opted to walk the few blocks in the middle of the night, clad only in thin pajamas and an oversized jacket.


	6. Chapter 6

True to his word, Seunghyun came back with Youngbae. All it had taken was striding in, unscheduled, to the CEO’s office and stating he had a song ready for release. The public was always thirsty for anything TOP did. When the CEO protested that they didn’t have the resources to support a full comeback Seunghyun had simply declined to promote. 

Sales were plentiful, a resounding success. It offset the company’s loss of what had been supposed to be Taeyang’s full album but only Youngbae knew that had been its purpose. 

Between that and his blossoming relationship with Hyorin, life seemed to be going well for what seemed like the first time in a long time. The grind of album production and promotion was always a drag but he had a little bouyouy of success to provide some much-needed support.

He found that instead of always being at Seunghyun’s, the pair of them wound up at Youngbae’s at least half the time they hung out. It was actually kind of nice, Youngbae realized, having Seunghyun around for drinks and chats and music, then have him leave for the night. Slowly his home started to actually feel like one. 

“How goes the dating?” Seunghyun asked the week before Christmas. He was looking at the tree that Youngbae and Seunghyun had decorated together.

“It’s good I guess,” Youngbae said.  _ He _ was happy that was for sure but a couple things Hyorin had said the last time they were together nagged at him. 

“You guess?”

“I’m not sure.” Youngbae fidgeted. “It’s my first time.”

“Really?”

“Have you ever known of another of my girlfriends?” Youngbae felt painfully exposed.

“Well I always figured you were just - discreet,” Seunghyun said.

“Yeah, no, not discreet, inexperienced.”

“Oh,” Seunghyun mouthed into his wine glass. 

“Man screw you.” Youngbae swiped the glass and finished it off. 

“No, it’s ok.” Seunghyun tried to get the glass back and gave up. 

“Whatever.” Youngbae poured another glass, almost overfilling the cup. Seunghyun arched a brow. “What’s it like with a guy?” Youngbae asked and Seunghyun froze mid-attempt at pilfering the wine bottle. 

“Like dating a guy?”

“Yeah.”

“Why do you ask?”

Youngbae shrugged. “I don’t know. I just am not sure if I’m doing something wrong.”

“Well how is my experience with guys gonna help?”

“I don’t know. I just figure it’s probably not that different than dating a girl.”

“Except the dicks?” Seunghyun asked pointedly. 

Youngbae flinched. “Yeah I guess.”

“You know, I have dated women.” 

“Really? Like those were for real not-” Youngbae feebly waved a hand in the air.

“No, they were not beards.”

“Oh, so you can date girls.” Youngbae mulled the thought over. “Then - why -”

“Why even bother with men?” Seunghyun cut in bitterly.

“I mean, like, I’m sure your mom would like it if you wound up with a girl and wouldn’t it just be easier?”

“Who do you love more, your mom or brother?”

“What do you mean more?” Youngbae scoffed, not following the turn of conversation.

“I mean if you could only pick one, which would you pick.”

“I don’t know, maybe mom?”

“But why would you even pick?” 

“Because you asked me!”

“Yeah, but like, you didn’t have to answer the question I asked.”

“But you asked it!”

“But what if you love and want both of them in your life, sometimes one and sometimes the other?”

“Yeah but that’s not the question you asked.”

Seunghyun flicked his forehead and Youngbae flinched. “Exactly.”

“What! That doesn’t even make sense.” 

Seunghyun hummed and grabbed the wine bottle, leaving Youngbae with the too-full glass. Youngbae tried to parse through the mud Seunghyun tried to pass off as an explanation. “It doesn’t make sense,” he muttered to himself. 

“Kay,” Seunghyun said.

“You’re infuriating,” Youngbae complained.

“Kay,” Seunghyun repeated.

“So I heard you’re looking at a new movie.” Youngbae’s brain needed a change of conversation. 

“Yeah.” Seunghyun looked discomfited and Youngbae relished turning the tables. 

“I hear it’s got a bed scene.”

“Yeah, maybe.” 

Youngbae trailed a finger down Seunghyun’s chest and was batted away. “So how you gonna deal with that.” Seunghyun’s prudery was notorious. Well, in public at least. Youngbae had seen him pantsless too many times for sanity.

“I dunno, I’m gonna have to work out.” 

Youngbae choked on his whine and Seunghyun glared. “No, hyung, hyung it’s ok. Look, look I can help!”

“Fuck off,” Seunghyun said. 

They sat in silence, listening to Verbal Jint on Youngbae’s surround sound. 

“Hey, seriously, would you help me?” Seunghyun asked after a few tracks.

“Of course hyung.”

 

  
  


The shoes of last year were on other feet as Youngbae hauled Seunghyun to several fitness stores shortly after the New Year. He pointed out various machines while Seunghyun gaped at him stupidly. Eventually Youngbae just picked for him and showed up a week later to supervise its installation in a corner of Seunghyun’s home. 

“I hate exercise,” Seunghyun whined, collapsing dramatically onto the couch once the delivery men left.

“Hyung, you’ve done it before.” 

“And I hated it then.” Scrunching up his face, Seunghyun rolled off the bed and grabbed for his smokes in protest. “I hate it.”

Youngbae swatted the pack from his hand. “Come on, suit up and meet me back here in 10 minutes.”

“Aww Bae,” Seunghyun pouted.

“I mean if you want to take off your shirt and let a whole film crew see the flab, be my guest.”

“I hate you.”

Youngbae blew him kisses which Seunghyun swatted out of the air as though he were a child. Youngbae rolled his eyes. “You love me, go get dressed.” 

Seunghyun returned to a fitness-attired Youngbae, there must have been workout clothes in his stash. 

“Take off the top,” Youngbae commanded.

Affronted, Seunghyun gripped the front of his shirt. “How dare you! I’m a good girl,” Seunghyun said, pitching his voice high. 

“Whatever, let me see what we’re working with.”

“Ugh, fine.” Seunghyun stripped. 

Youngbae eyed him appraisingly. Really, Seunghyun was in decent shape for all his hard living. Idol life made certain demands after all. He did, actually, look really good. Youngbae looked at the lines of his chest and torso. Seunghyun was well made, delicate. There were faint scars, stretch marks from his heavy-set youth. Youngbae half smiled, remembering the chubby kid he’d met so long ago. The marks were evidence of Seunghyun’s dogged dedication. He was ruthless with himself, when he wanted it. For all his childish antics, he was strong. Youngbae had learned to appreciate just how strong. 

Seunghyun realized where Youngbae was looking and covered himself, embarrassed. Youngbae blinked, realized he’d been staring.

“Hyung, it’s ok,” Youngbae said. “We all have them.”

Seunghyun scoffed. “You gonna tell me you, Mr. Skinny, have stretchmarks.”

“Everyone has stretch marks, hyung,” Youngbae said. “They come when you grow.”

“And when you’re fat.”

“And when you grow.”

_ “And when you grow, _ ” Seunghyun mimicked. Youngbae shoved his shirt at him, ignoring the complaints. 

  
  


 

Thus, working out was added to the list of activities in their repertoire. When asked when he had time for a girlfriend, amidst the schedules, concert appearances, album writing and the seeming endless hours he spent with just Seunghyun (not even taking into account the time he must be spending with Jiyong and their crew), Youngbae just shrugged. 

Seunghyun should have seen it coming but Hyorin rarely featured in their conversations. He knew Youngbae was smitten but for some reason she never came up. He chalked it up to bashfulness, but he shouldn’t have been surprised when he got a text from Youngbae.

> **Youngbae 11:45pm**
> 
> She dumped me.
> 
> **Seunghyun 12:15am**
> 
> Wait, what? Dumped you!? Why?
> 
> **Youngbae 12:16am**
> 
> I don’t know. I mean I know.
> 
> I don’t know. 
> 
> Hyung
> 
> **Seunghyun 12:29am**
> 
> Yah, I’m coming in. 

Youngbae’s front door beeped his entry code. He didn’t have the energy to leave the couch, but he did manage to grab a fresh pillow to replace the tear-soaked one that fell to the floor as he shifted. 

Seunghyun didn’t speak, simply slid onto the couch behind Youngbae and slung a comforting arm around him, a welcome, familiar warmth. Youngbae cried, broken hearted. Seunghyun held him. 

Youngbae must have dozed because when he blinked, the light in the room was no longer pitched black. Hazy blue spilled in from the windows that faced the Han River. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Seunghyun whispered.

“Have you been awake this whole time?”

Seunghyun ignored him to ask again, “wanna talk?”

Youngbae rolled onto his back to look up at the ceiling and Seunghyun shifted to sit, Youngbae’s legs across his lap. “I know what she said.”

“What did she say?”

Youngbae closed his eyes and spoke to the darkness behind his eyelids. “She said she liked me, a lot, maybe loved-” his voice broke, “maybe loved -  loved m-me.” Seunghyun stroked his leg and waited as pain shuddered through Youngbae’s body.

After several long minutes he could speak again. “She said that I wasn’t around enough,” he whispered, voice raw and weak. “She liked me too much to never see me. It hurt her too much.”

“Why didn’t you see her?”

“I don’t know, you know,  _ you know _ what this life is like.” 

Seunghyun did know. He’d lost his fair share of relationships for the exact same reason. “I’m so sorry, Bae.” He didn’t say  _ why _ he was sorry. He should have seen what was happening. The long line of his own losses, relationships shriveled due to neglect, ran through his mind. Their jobs would consume every moment of their lives if they let it. He should have told Youngbae - who’d never really dated before - should have warned him what it was like. Guilt stabbed at his heart. “I’m sorry, Bae,” he repeated. It was the only thing he could say.

“She liked me, and I ruined it.”

They sat together as dawn shifted to morning, to midday. Eventually life called and they both left to their own schedules. That evening, though, instead of going home, Seunghyun grabbed some pajamas and drove to Youngbae’s.

There were no spoken words, but the relief in Youngbae’s eyes was enough for Seunghyun. He took up his favorite perch on Youngbae’s couch and demanded ramen, for all the world like a spoiled child. 

Youngbae, though, found deep meaning in serving those he loved. Seunghyun had known that for years. Youngbae needed someone to take care of, and so Seunghyun made himself as helpless as possible. 

Their life fell into a parallel of the summer before. Seunghyun filmed, used Youngbae’s home gym, and made a general nuisance of himself. Youngbae recognized and appreciated it. Jiyong was holed up with his own writing woes, so their arrangement seemed to work.

  
  


 

 

> **Seungri 7:55 pm**
> 
> Wanna party?
> 
> **Youngbae 8:03 pm**
> 
> The heck?
> 
> No.
> 
> **Seungri 8:07pm**
> 
> Aye just asking. You're becoming like Seunghyun hyung… disappearing for days on end.
> 
> Look break-ups suck but you gotta get back out there! Come out tonight. I can get us into this place
> 
> I was there last night
> 
> Everyone there is suuuuuper hawt. Come on.

Youngbae looked around his empty house. Seunghyun was filming late tonight, his bed scene. Youngbae took a moment to pat himself on the back. He’d caught a look at Seunghyun on his way to the shower this morning. Youngbae had definitely done good work; the fangirls would be pleased.

But all that meant now was he faced the prospect of being home alone. His mind took that moment to remind him of what Hyorin had looked like, standing in his kitchen at 2 am clothed in only her long black hair and one of his button ups. 

It had only ever happened twice, her sleeping over. Ugh, he’d been so stupid. He should have had her here every night. She had been right.

Seunghyun was over all the time now, last year he’d nearly been living at Seunghyun’s. And between that they never went more and 4 days without hanging out at one home or the other. It should have been Hyorin sharing his space, his time, like that.

He slammed his hand down onto his kitchen counter, hard enough to sting. He deserved it, adding some mental kicks for good measure. 

Seeing his fellow band members regularly wouldn't draw attention like trying to sneak a woman around. That had been his reasoning in hindsight he saw it for the excuse it was. Really, he had just been scared. What did he care if Seunghyun or Jiyong saw him with morning breath or messed up hair? What did they care if he wasn't gentlemanly every second of the day?

But girls weren't like that, were they?

“You don't ever let me in.” Hyorin’s voice echoed in his memory.

No, he needed to get out of the house. 

> **Youngbae 8:30pm**
> 
> Ya, where should I meet you? 

While he waited for Seungri to respond he hopped over his chat with Seunghyun.

> **Youngbae 8:30pm**
> 
> Hyung Fighting!

Seunghyun was probably a wreck, poor old man. Still, he had no need. He  _ had  _ looked really good that morning.

  
  


An hour later he rolled up to the club, hair and clothes immaculate. He pushed through a crowd of people to be waved in by the guy at the door. It had been weeks since he’d been to a club. The assault of noise and lights were almost too much for someone who had been schepping between home and work for weeks.

“Youngbaaaeeee!” Seungri’s hyena laugh caught and pulled him. “Ya, you made it.” Seungri was in tight black everything, so he seemed nothing but a disembodied face lit in garish shifting hues of green and orange and blue. 

“Yes,” Youngbae said, returning Seungri’s hug half-heartedly. 

“Ai, we’ll fix you up.” And then there was a drink in his hand and he was being propelled into a writhing sea of bodies. “Look, Youngbae-hyung, at all the hotness that is out there.”

“Ya, don’t shout,” Youngbae chastised, uncomfortably aware of the pair of girls smirking at them knowingly. An embarrassed flush stung his cheeks.

“Yeah, you know it,” Seungri said to the women and they giggled. “And you can’t hear me if I don’t shout,” Seungri told Youngbae.

Youngbae rolled his eyes but figured he should get it over with. There were women, beautiful women, all around him, dancing with him in turns. A few hazarded tentative touches, others gave him appraising looks and sultry smiles. Some gawked and turned to their friends, mouths covered by polite hands. 

Yes, he was short. It took many by surprise. Thankfully, celebrity added a foot of height at least. No one looked repulsed. He waded into the fray and tried, really he tried, to let loose in the music. 

It didn’t help. 

He lasted less than half an hour before he begged off and went in search of a private booth. An attendant posted at the foot of a roped off staircase nodded to him and gestured. Seungri had apparently had the forethought to commandeer space for them. There was no one in the both, half shrouded with a curtain and labeled with a prominent ‘Reserved’ card. That suited Youngbae fine. 

The waitress was, blessedly, professional. There were no sex-eyes or cutsie giggles. She took his order and disappeared. 

Hyorin had enjoyed a night in a club, it went with their territory, but she was really more at ease over a small dinner, with wine and conversation and gentle ambience. He’d really loved that. She’d always left him feeling contented, at peace. 

The majority of the dance floor was visible from his vantage. Seungri had been right: a sea of beautiful people, and he felt like he was drowning. 

“Hey, no sulking.” Seungri’s voice crashed through Youngbae’s musings. Youngbae scowled at his drink. He looked up and found Seungri wasn’t alone. It wasn’t his full entourage just one guy, but it was someone he’d never met before. 

Seungri slid into the booth beside him, the boy with him right behind.

“Who’s your friend?” Youngbae asked, he nodded at the other man, who smiled and ducked his head. 

“Minhyuk,” Seungri provided, not even looking at Youngbae.

_ Oh _ ,  _ that kind of friend _ . Discomfort churned Youngbae’s stomach as the, admittedly beautiful, boy latched on to Seungri’s neck. He averted his eyes. “Hi, Minhyuk.”

It had been years. Jiyong, Seungri, Seunghyun - he’d never really be able to get comfortable watching two men-

“Go find yourself someone,” Seungri suggested and he nudged Youngbae under the table with his foot. 

“I’m good.”

“Look, Bae,” Seungri said, leaning forward. Minhyuk left off kissing to drape himself over Seungri’s shoulder. “I’ve broken up before. The best thing is to just get back out there. It’s tough, yeah but just - you gotta  _ go _ for it.” He gestured at the crowd below them. “You will never find hotter girls - or boys-” Seungri broke off to nuzzle at Minhyuk. Youngbae watched as the pair thoroughly distracted themselves. 

This time, it was at least a minute before he looked away. He was halfway through his drink before they came to, Minhyuk breaking off a kiss to whisper in Seungri’s ear.

“Ah, what was I saying?” Seungri asked as Minhyuk, with a bow, excused himself to the restroom. The marks already bruising his neck were incongruous in someone so polite. Youngbae nodded and Seungri’s hand swooped in to take Youngbae’s drink.

“Ya, get your own!”

Seungri ignored him and tossed the drink back. Good thing Youngbae had a bottle. He took an empty glass and poured himself another, glaring at Seungri all the while. 

“Seriously, it’s too bad you don’t go for the guys cuz -” Seungri sighed. Youngbae wanted to be anywhere else. This whole night had been a bad idea. “I just don’t get you straights.” 

“Straights!?”

“I’m just saying, did you see that boy?”

“Yes,” Youngbae said. “He is pretty.”

“He was gorgeous. And, god, but they give good head.”

“I don’t want to hear him giving head.”

“I’m just saying -” Seungri took Youngbae’s drink again, “like some girls can give good head but you never know how it’s gonna go until they’re already down there. Guys, though, guys know what feels good on a cock.”

Youngbae’s own cock gave a twitch. How much had he drunk? It had obviously been too long since he’d had any sort of  _ intimate _ contact with a woman. “I’m gonna go, Ri,” he said.

“Aw, hyung, I’m sorry. Look I get it, you don’t like them like that. Though have you ever tried? Ok, no, sorry, sorry, I’ll shut up.”

Youngbae loved him, truly he did but sometimes Seungri just-

“Here.” Seungri returned Youngbae’s half empty cup. He grabbed for the bottle and topped it off. “I’m sorry, I’m being a shit. Look, you just sit and drink. Do what you want. I won’t say shit.”

“Aish,” Youngbae snapped, taking back his drink. But he settled deep into the booth cushions instead of leaving. As bad as it was, if Seungri promised to be quiet, then it had to be better than being home alone. 

True to his word, Seungri didn’t talk anymore, not that Minhyuk’s return allowed for it. The two latched on to one another the second the pretty boy sat down. Youngbae alternated between staring at nothing and drinking. 

“Like the show?” Seungri asked. Youngbae blinked. He’d been - staring - at them. The world softly swayed behind his eyelids.  “Ya, how much did you drink?”

“I’m good, not drunk,” Youngbae said. 

“I’m assuming you said you aren’t drunk.” Seungri laughed at Youngbae, maybe. “S’ok, I called Jiyong to pick you up.”

“I don’t need it,” Youngbae moved as if to stand and froze. He was rock hard.  _ How the hell?  _ He must have gotten really relaxed. Groaning he pressed a hand between his thighs, willing the boner away.

“Ya, Bae.” Jiyong’s voice crashed through the haze of Youngbae’s thoughts moments later.

“Took you long enough,” Seungri snarked.

“Shut it, maknae,” Jiyong said. “Who was  _ that _ ?”

“I know right?” Seungri audibly gloated.

“You taking that home tonight?” Jiyong asked.

“Why, jealous?”

“Nah, let me get Bae home and I’ll come back and get better.”

Seungri scoffed and Youngbae realized he really had no clue what was going on. 

“Come on, Bae,” Jiyong said and Youngbae felt himself lifted. “Let's get you home.”

“Seunghyun isn’t home yet.” Youngbae tried to make sense of his sense but gave up. It made no sense. Either way, Jiyong didn’t answer. Youngbae tried to find Jiyong’s face but his world was a shifting array of light and the steady thrum of his heart - or the music. He couldn’t tell anymore. “I like Seunghyun.”

“I’m glad y’all are close now,” Jiyong responded. Youngbae was suddenly really cold. They must be outside. 

“Too bad hyung is a woman.”

“He isn’t a woman.”

“Yeah, too bad.” There was a soft flutter of his hair and Youngbae leaned into it.

“Let’s get you in bed, here drink this.” A water bottle was shoved into Youngbae’s hand. He stuffed it in his pocket. “Aish, don’t throw it.” The world seemed to tilt sideways. “Ya, Bae, fuck why are you so drunk?”

“I like Seunghyun.”

“Yes, I know, you said.”

“I miss Hyorin.”

“Don’t cry, Bae….fuck where is that driver?”


	7. Chapter 7

The next night literally nothing could have dragged Youngbae out of his house. He was going to recover the way nature intended, in dark rooms with tons of alcohol and moody music. And, apparently, Seunghyun squatting on his couch.

“Ya, I’m the one with a broken heart,” he teased when Seunghyun wistfully wished in Youngbae’s direction for Kimchi Stew. Youngbae winced. He wasn’t quite ready for jokes yet.

“Please, dongsaeng,” Seunghyun whined. “You make it so tasty.”

Youngbae got up to make dinner but punched Seunghyun on his way, hard. The insufferable man collapsed. “Suck it up, hyung,” Youngbae said.

Seunghyun smiled up at him, Youngbae smiled back. 

They sat, companionably silent, over dinner. 

“You know, I like that you never give me a hard time, when I pray,” Youngbae said half way through the meal. 

“Why would I?”

“I just, I know it isn’t your thing.”

“But it’s yours.” Seunghyun paused. “That’s good enough.”

“Still, thanks.”

Seunghyun smiled at him. 

“Drinks?” Seunghyun asked as they pushed back from the table. Youngbae stood to start the cleaning up and nodded. They’d both been drinking a lot the last month, but that was what breakups were for, no?

“Fire?” Seunghyun suggested, after fully loading the coffee table with drinks. Youngbae laughed and nodded again. 

He didn’t actually have a fireplace. Seunghyun, the crazy old man, had come upon a DVD of a fake fireplace and bought it on a whim the week before. “It’s soothing,” he’d justified that first night when he put it on. It  _ was  _ that, Youngbae granted. 

It even made fire-sounds. Seunghyun seemed to love it for all that he professed a hatred for the outdoors. 

Youngbae came into the living room sporting a low buzz from the dinner wine. The room was cozy, fire blazing on his television, wine bottles on the coffee table. Seunghyun sprawled on his couch, eyes closed, fingers tapping to the Dynamic Duo album playing on the stereo. Youngbae noted that his soul didn’t ache as much as it had last week. That was progress.

Squinting, though, he glared at the overhead lights. It was much too bright so he flicked them off before joining Seunghyun on the sofa. Seunghyun moved to make room but Youngbae waved him off. Seunghyun was like a cat, one didn’t disturb him when he was that comfortable. Instead, Youngbae opted to lift Seunghyun’s feet and settle into his spot, replacing Seunghyun’s feet on his lap. 

Eyes still closed, Seunghyun offered his wine to the air, which Youngbae took. Seunghyun dropped a hand to grab the conveniently placed open bottle on the floor by the couch. 

They sat together as the album played through, mesmerized by the flames and lulled by alcohol. When it finished, Seunghyun lifted his phone and flicked through it for a brief moment. Epik High’s Remapping the Human Soul came on.

“Hey, you got the bluetooth working.”

“I’m not a complete basketcase,” Seunghyun said. He seemed almost sleepy. 

“No, you aren’t.” Youngbae refrained from listing the number of times he’d had to explain how the system worked. It was enough that it was working and they were cuddled up nice and cozy, the outside world a surreal abstraction.

Youngbae realized he’d been staring at Seunghyun. He wasn’t sure for how long. He’d said it, admitted it, many times but Seunghyun was beautiful, even moreso with his profile bathed in the warm glow of the television. Youngbae took advantage of Seunghyun’s closed eyes and let himself stare. Seunghyun  was bulkier than typical, evidence of their hard work for his movie. 

The wine heated the blood running under Youngbae’s skin, stinging his cheeks. He felt almost hot, their twinned body heat warming them both. Of course Seunghyun was in bulky sweats. The heat was inevitable. Yet there was more to it than that. 

Primary’s album came on next, smooth as butter. “Playlist,” Seunghyun explained without opening his eyes. Youngbae hummed and continued shamelessly staring. The light seemed to dance along Seunghyun’s jaw, hard and fine. He looked peaceful as he lay there. 

Seunghyun skin was blemished, casualty to movie makeup, but somehow it didn’t take from his beauty. His eye traced the line of the scar at Seunghyun’s brow.

How often had he wanted to stare at Seunghyun? He asked himself and mentally stuttered. It was true, he realized. He often found his eyes wanting to drink in Seunghyun’s long limbs and sculpted face. Wanting without recognizing desire. 

He could feel the blood pooling low in his stomach. Lower than that, he chided himself. There was too much alcohol for him to remind himself that this was not a permissible train of thought.

He brought a hand down on Seunghyun’s thigh. It wasn’t so strange a gesture as to startle Seunghyun. Youngbae let himself  _ feel _ the body under his hand. The muscles were toned, full. They felt nothing like a woman’s thigh but they felt good in his palm. 

“What you doin’?” Seunghyun muttered, but his eyes stayed closed. Youngbae continued staring at his closed lids, heavy lashes dusting his perfect cheekbones. 

“Nothing,” Youngbae lied. He realized he’d actually been stroking Seunghyun’s leg. Seunghyun’s eyes fluttered open and they stared at one another.

“What are you doing?” Seunghyun whispered again. A part of Youngbae’s mind clamored that he should be embarrassed, that he should stop. But it was a small, easily ignored voice.  He slid the hand from Seunghyun’s thigh up to his hip. “Youngbae,” Seunghyun hissed.

Seunghyun closed his eyes against the look in Youngbae’s eyes. There was no word for it but desire, and that knowledge tore at Seunghyun’s heart. He’d always wondered what a passionate, lusty Youngbae looked like, sometimes wondered enough to push himself over the edge. He cursed that he no longer had to wonder. 

Seunghyun forced his eyes open. Youngbae shifted to put his glass on the table, and Seunghyun let his bottle slide to the floor. 

“Jiyong and Seungri are always going on about it,” Youngbae said. He didn’t return to his seat, instead he shifted to lean over Seunghyun, still sprawled on the couch. Youngbae’s heart threatened to pound out of his chest. Seunghyun looked up at him, eyes wide and hungry. “They’re always talking about how amazing cock is.” 

Reckless, Youngbae pressed a leg down between Seunghyun’s thighs but stopped just shy of his groin. Strong legs pressed against him. He hazarded a hand on Seunghyun’s face. It was strange, rough. Stubble scraped like sandpaper against his palm. “Is it amazing?” Youngbae asked. 

He leaned forward but stopped. His lips hovered, mere centimeters above Seunghyun’s mouth. Seunghyun could feel the heat of his breath on his wine-wet lips. Youngbae’s voice was tearing into him, low and raw. Seunghyun ached as desire rolled through him. The thigh pressed between Seunghyun’s legs was infuriatingly too far way. 

Youngbae moved to whisper in Seunghyun’s ear. “Is it amazing, hyung?”

Seunghyun panted, breath heaving through him. “What are you  _ doing _ , Youngbae?” He demanded with all the strength he could muster. He was mere seconds from folding himself into Youngbae and taking everything that was being offered, Youngbae’s naivety be damned. 

Startled, Youngbae reeled back. “I-” He didn’t really have an explanation. Suddenly he was angry. “You - you and Jiyong and Seungri and heck, maybe even Daesung, have had your experimentations-”

“My sexuality isn’t an experimentation.”

“You know what I mean!” Youngbae snapped. He was so angry, but it wasn’t anger. No, Seunghyun knew what it was. “Why shouldn’t I try it too?”

Youngbae was beautiful, in that moment, hair in a disarray of glowing platinum, face flushed, lips full and eyes, his eyes-. Seunghyun wanted to blame the wine, the fake fire, the music. He wanted to blame everything but the culprit. Surging forward, he toppled Youngbae back onto the couch. His groan as he hit the cushions was delicious, stoking the fire raging through Seunghyun’s veins. 

“You want to try, Youngbae?” He asked, but he allowed no time for a response. Instead he took, took Youngbae’s lips, his tongue, his breath. Youngbae was not completely inexperienced and yet, this was something totally out of his league. Seunghyun’s hands cupped either side of his face, his body loomed over him. He’d never been quite so painfully aware of their size difference. A pain that apparently resided in his too-tight pants. 

After an eternity Seunghyun broke off the kiss. “Is that what you want to try?” Seunghyun asked, hands still cupping Youngbae’s face but eyes staring sightless at the couch by Youngbae’s ear. “Is that what you want?”

Youngbae brought his own hands up to Seunghyun’s face, pulling him back. “Yes,” he said in the moment before he brought their lips together again. Youngbae was a fast learner, and his kiss burned away the edges of Seunghyun’s resolve. He melted down into Youngbae’s arms and let himself indulge in long, devouring licks into Youngbae’s mouth. He drank in Youngbae’s moans, each sending its own delicious shock down to his cock. 

Instinctively he rolled down into Youngbae, his experience lining their cocks up side by side. Youngbae froze in his arms. 

_ Fuck.  _ Coming to, Seunghyun threw himself back, off, away from Youngbae. 

“Scared?” He scoffed, hiding his own terror. 

“Hyung?” Youngbae said. “Hyung, I’m sorry. I don’t know-”

“No, you don’t,” Seunghyun snapped. Suddenly he couldn’t bear the oppressive heat of the room. “I’m going home.” 

And just like that, Youngbae was alone.

“Shit,” he said to the silence. What had he done?

  
  


 

Seunghyun’s walk home was agony, and not just because of his raging hardon or the ice cold of Seoul’s winter. Fuck, what had he gotten himself into? What had he let happen? He could blame wine, but he wouldn’t. 

No, he’d known what they had been building up to. For all his foresight and planning, for all his self-warnings, he’d known where they were heading and walked right into it. Because he wanted it. Wanted Youngbae. He never would have thought the two of them could be - well, what they were now. And yet from where they were now he couldn’t imagine life without their… whatever it was they had. 

Friendship. No, they were more than that. But how much more?

He kicked at a clump of snow and cursed, loudly. 

Youngbae had been drunk, lonely, they’d been spending a lot of time together. With any luck he wouldn't remember much when he woke up.

It was bullshit excuses but Seunghyun had just proven the strength of his powers of self-deception.

The next morning he made sure to text first.

> ####  **Seunghyun 7:05am**
> 
> Wild night, huh? 
> 
> How’s your head? You had a lot.

  
  
  


Reading Seunghyun’s words first thing the next morning brought a wave of relief. Yes, Youngbae could pretend it hadn’t happened. That was safe, wise.

> ####  **Youngbae 11:45am**
> 
> Ya, you were up early.
> 
> And my head feels like shit. 
> 
> I’m never drinking again. What happened last night?
> 
> ####  **Seunghyun 11:46am**
> 
> I think you drank?
> 
> ####  **Youngbae 11:46am**
> 
> Punk
> 
> **Seunghyun 11:47am**
> 
> Yes, you are

Youngbae laughed himself out of bed. He had no clue what last night had been about but, apparently, he didn’t have to. It hadn’t happened, after all. 

  
  


Seunghyun contemplated going home. He really should. Filming that night was grueling. He hadn’t been home in days. It was the best choice, especially after last night. Youngbae-

His phone rang. Seunghyun looked at the screen and groaned. He really, really did not want to talk to Jiyong. Really - did - not.

So he didn’t. And he didn’t the next 5 times Jiyong called. He felt almost gleeful rejecting the call the 6th time. 

“You can’t keep ignoring me,” Jiyong’s voice said and Seunghyun startled. Jiyong was standing in his trailer.

“Ya, you can’t just -”

“Being G-Dragon has its perks.”

“Go away,” Seunghyun said. But it was Jiyong’s turn to play The Ignoring Game. He strutted across the trailer to sink into Seunghyun’s sofa. “Ya, seriously Ji, what do you want?”

“What’s going on with Youngbae?” Jiyong asked, his eyes piercing. Thankfully, Seunghyun had had years of facing off against them.

“Well, he’s been dumped and is depressed.”

“No, I mean the two of you?”

“We’re friends.”

“You have been hanging out together.” Jiyong paused. “A lot.”

“Yes, Jiyong,” Seunghyun said, calibrating just the right tone of longsuffering into his response. “It is what friends do. Be there for one another.”

“Man, fuck you, you know I’m working on  _ our _ album.”

“I wasn’t saying anything about you,” Seunghyun said, shocked. He’d not calculated that implication into his words. “I’m just saying, he’s down. He’s been there for me. We’re close. That’s it.”

“Is that it? For sure?”

“Why, Jiyong? What do you want?”

“I know your theories about Bae - and you.” 

“Look, I don’t need you to tell me I’m full of shit-”

“I think you’re right.” Jiyong admitted. Seunghyun stopped, full rant aborted. 

“I-”

“Don’t fuck with him Seunghyun,” Jiyong said. “That’s what I came here to say.”

“The hell, Ji. Who do you think you are to tell me what to do?” Seunghyun stared down his leader. 

Jiyong sighed. “Look I love you both. Just-” he looked down at his rings and began to give them his characteristic twirls, “we barely came back after you and I. I just - he isn’t gay, hyung. He isn’t.”

“Well if you think I’m right he isn’t straight.”

“Yeah but, he isn’t-”

“Who are you to say what he is?!” Seunghyun snapped. “Why can’t he figure that out for himself? You aren’t his mom. You aren’t him. Why do you get a say?!”

“No, I know, it’s confusing just - don’t fuck him up, don’t fuck  _ us  _ up.”

Seunghyun had had enough of this conversation. He had no clue what his own thoughts were, he didn’t need Jiyong’s as well. “You really need to keep your nose in your own business.”

“Fuck, Seunghyun, I’m just worried.”

“Just go, Jiyong. Please,” Seunghyun turned to begin packing up for the day. “Go.” He could feel Jiyong staring at him for a long minute before the sound of his trailer door closing reverberated in his ears. 

As angry as he was, Jiyong had a point. “Fuck Jiyong,” Seunghyun said to himself, voice low and vehement. 

His phone beeped again and Seunghyun grabbed for it, ready to go for round two with Jiyong.

> **Youngbae 8:50pm**
> 
> Ya, you working late
> 
> **Seunghyun 8:50pm**
> 
> Nah, just wrapped up. Want me come over?
> 
> **Youngbae 8:50pm**
> 
> Yeah, that would be nice.

  
  
  


 

They shouldn’t drink together. Seunghyun’s better angels were advocating their hardest, but they were small and telling them to fuck off was so easy in Youngbae’s home. “Ya, get me a beer.”

Younbae paused in rolling kimbap to fish a beer from the fridge. Seunghyun took the opening to swipe a few pieces of radish.

“Classic movie marathon tonight - on cable,” Youngbae offered while setting down Seunghyun’s beer. 

“Mmmm.” Seunghyun crunched his radish.

“Thought so,” Youngbae laughed. 

Seunghyun reached for the beer and their hands grazed one another. Seunghyun mentally rolled his eyes at himself, annoyed that his stomach had decided to turn a summersault. This was ridiculous. 

Youngbae felt a twinge of disappointment as Seunghyun pushed off the bar where he’d watching dinner progress and settled into the living room. Whatever. He refocused on rolling and then piled up the kimbap and grabbed a board and knife and took dinner to the coffee table. 

He settled down on the floor between the table and the couch. “Want some?” 

Youngbae pulled a few rolls of kimbap onto his cutting board and began slicing. Seunghyun reached out and swiped a fully uncut roll to bite into whole. Youngbae should not have been surprised. “Savage,” he deadpanned.

“You know it.” 

“Ya, don’t spit rice everywhere.”

Seunghyun laughed and grabbed for a napkin. When the food was gone, Youngbae went for the alcohol. Seunghyun accepted another drink, using it to drown the nagging voice in the back of his mind. It sounded suspiciously like Jiyong and he didn’t need that shit. Out of spite, he tossed back his first shot of soju and instantly regretted it. 

Youngbae clapped him on the back as he coughed and choked, then settled in next to him. Very close. Close enough that they were cuddling, almost.

Twilight shifted to evening to full night around them. The movies came on, and they watched, each in turn drowsing, taking restroom breaks, fetching more alcohol. 

“This is nice,” Youngbae said once they hit their third credits. His voice was slurring softly and the world seemed calm and warm. Seunghyun’s arm around his shoulders probably had a lot to do with that. He felt safe. Protected. Small.

He looked up from his nest and Seunghyun looked down at him. 

_ Good job, _ Seunghyun chastised himself. In 24 hours they were right back to what he’d fled. It felt so good, though. It had been a long time since - since - well, he didn’t really know what this was so he had no clue but-

Youngbae brought a hand up to his chest and licked his lips. 

“You’re drunk again,” Seunghyun said. He tried to get his body to move, to get away but Youngbae’s hand was warm and touch was such a beautiful thing. 

“Not that drunk.” Youngbae dragged the palm of his hand across Seunghyun’s chest. So different but, in the half-dark half-drunk of a night together, he couldn’t quite remember why it was wrong. He figured his usual disgust should be coming along shortly but for now he wanted to stroke Seunghyun’s chest. It was flat, and hard and that excited him. 

Seunghyun hissed, and Youngbae looked up into his eyes. His skin was flushed, his eyes dark and wide. His lips. “You’re so hot,” Youngbae whispered.

Seunghyun’s fragile self-control shattered and he grabbed Youngbae, lifting him and planting him solidly on his lap. Youngbae’s world lurched. He’d never- ever - been  _ handled. _ There was no other word for it. Seunghyun’s hands were on his hips, moving him, pushing and pulling him. 

Youngbae expected a kiss but instead Seunghyun pressed up against him, burying his face in Youngbae’s neck. He felt Seunghyun’s breath, hot and ragged against his collar. Seunghyun was hard and this time Youngbae didn’t recoil. 

In a calculated move, Seunghyun rolled them onto the couch, laying himself over Youngbae. He took Youngbae’s lips, sucking each one in turn while his hands pinned Youngbae’s shoulders to the couch. He was liberal with his strength. 

It wasn’t his first time with a ‘straight’ guy. It wasn’t his first round as ‘test-subject’. Men were used to pursuing, dominating, being stronger. They found the turn-about with another man intoxicating. 

Youngbae groaned against him and answered his demanding thrusts with pulsating thrusts of his own. 

Seunghyun growled, knowing the depth of his voice would be tantalizing to someone used to high-pitched sighs and cries.

Youngbae felt fire along every nerve. This was different than anything - anything but last night. He felt hungry as Seunghyun devoured him. He pushed up against Seunghyun’s hands and found himself immobile. It should make him panic but instead, a part of him seemed to unwind, unspooling in Seunghyun’s power.  

A fist seemed to clamp itself around Seunghyun’s heart, so tight he could barely breathe. Youngbae was in his arms, under him, writhing and whimpering for his kisses. It was a million self-denied dreams come true. It was better than that. He could never have imagined this particular taste, the exact pitch and tenor of Youngbae’s lust. 

Seunghyun broke off kissing to bury his head in the cushion by Youngbae’s head. Youngbae was thrusting up into him, and Seunghyun could feel the outline of his cock through two pairs of soft pajamas. Youngbae was big, he’d know that. Ten shared years had provided that information, but knowing and feeling were two different things. 

His hands shook as his fingers threaded themselves through Youngbae’s hair. Seunghyun loved the platinum. He dragged his hand down, to pull the white fringe over the side of Youngbae’s face, down to his shoulders. Youngbae’s hair glowed against the skin exposed by his A-shirt.

“Hyung,” Youngbae whined as the hand kept going, down to tweak at an erect nipple through fabric. Youngbae was beautifully responsive. He wanted it, he wanted more. Seunghyun wanted to see every shade and shadow and bright blinding light that existed in Youngbae.

Looking up, Youngbae tried to take in Seunghyun’s face, his eyes, the shadows along his cheek and brow. He pressed a hand up to cup Seunghyun’s neck. 

“Thish is nishe,” he managed but his vision blurred and he had to close his eyes.

_ He’s really drunk _ , Seunghyun realized. No, this could not happen, not like this. Seunghyun pushed himself off Youngbae.

“Hyung, what’s wrong?”

“This.” Seunghyun felt ice chilling his veins.

“You guys keep saying there’s nothing wrong with being gay!” Youngbae protested.

“There isn’t, but there is something wrong with this.”

“What, don’t you want me?” Youngbae sat to confront Seunghyun head on. “What’s wrong with me?”

Seunghyun pressed his palms over his eyes. “Nothing, nothing at all. But do you want this? Do you even know what this is?”

“I want it,” Youngbae pleaded.

“ _ I  _ don’t even know what this is but - you’re drunk.”

“I am not.”

“Yes, you are. I’m not doing it like this.”

Youngbae reached out and touched him, a slender hand on Seunghyun’s shoulder. “Hyung.”

“No, Bae.” Seunghyun looked at him. He was beautiful, face rough and raw, hair a mess and eyes- “If you want it, if you really want it, you tell me but you tell me when you’re sober. You look me in the eye and tell me what you want.” Something inside Seunghyun felt like it was breaking. It all felt so wrong. “You tell me and I’ll give it to you. If that is what you want.”

Youngbae didn’t understand. Seunghyun looked… crushed. “Seunghyun-” 

“I’m gonna crash, Bae.” Seunghyun stood. “I’ll see you in the morning. We can talk then.” He paused. “Or not. You can pretend nothing happened if you want. It’s up to you. Figure out what you want.”

Seunghyun fled, feeling heartsick, leaving Youngbae alone on the cold couch. 


	8. Chapter 8

Seunghyun collapsed on the bed in the spare bedroom. Sleep was never going to come. His thoughts, roiling through his mind would make sure of that. 

Youngbae was still asleep when he left the next morning. Seunghyun was ok with that. 

The late-morning sun was punishing on Youngbae’s eyes when he finally woke. He groaned and buried himself in his bed, memories of last night crashing into him. He felt terrible.

“Tell me and I’ll give it to you,” Seunghyun had said. His voice still rang in Youngbae’s ears. 

What did he want? 

He wanted to not be alone. He wanted - Seungri and Jiyong were always going on about how great sex with guys was. Slowly, over the last few months, his disgust at the thought of being with man had shifted to something else. 

Maybe it  _ was _ great to be with a man. 

He knew what the bible said. But there really was nothing wrong, that he could see, with what his band mates did. He couldn’t really see how what they did was any different or worse because they did it with  _ men, _ not if it made them happy, not if that was how they found love.

He didn’t know why the Bible said what it did but he’d given up trying to make sense of it, leaving it to God to figure out - later.

So if it was ok for  _ them _ , surely it was ok for him. Was that what he wanted?

Maybe his luck with women meant he’d do better with men. He cared for Seunghyun, maybe they could succeed where Jiyong and Hyorin had failed. They’d fit into one another’s lives so well, friendship coming more easily than he’d ever imagined. And his mother was always saying one should be with their best friend.

The memory of Seunghyun’s searing kiss brought his blood rushing under his skin. That  _ had _ been good. And having expected it, feeling the evidence of Seunghyun’s arousal pressed against him had been…. enticing. 

No, it couldn’t be wrong, and Youngbae had the right to figure out what it was like for himself. His breath ran short as he remembered the way Seunghyun had felt. He wanted more of that, he was pretty sure.

  
  


It was mid afternoon when Youngbae texted Seunghyun.

> ####  **Youngbae 2:54**
> 
> At the studio with Ji for a bit. I’ll be home at 7. 
> 
> I do want this- what started last night. I wanted it two nights ago. 
> 
> I want to try being more. Us. I know you’re scared. I’m scared. But you weren’t taking advantage. 

Seunghyun powered off his phone and sat in his set-chair. He only had one scene left, a handful of reaction shots and then it was time to go home. Waiting as everyone else worked around him gave him time to think.

Youngbae seemed to want this. He doubted he was drunk at 3 in the afternoon. Seunghyun took stock of his emotions. He felt excited and terrified but there was also an over-arching sense of dread.

Never before had he so clearly seen the end from the beginning, not with Jiyong, or John, or even Minah. Yet with Youngbae it was all so clear it was almost the only thing he could see. 

The reasons seemed to list themselves. He expended no effort as the crushing weight hammering in his chest increased while the list unfolded. 

Faith. Youngbae never brought it up but it was a quiet part of his life. Sunday’s at church with his mother. The tattoos pressed into his very skin. He was quiet about it but to deny it shaped him was to deny knowing him. It was the steely center that had kept his back unbent through years of struggle. It was what created the years of discomfort whenever any of them so much as looked at a man. For all his protestations, that wouldn’t change after just one night.

And it was more than just the quiet belief that shaped him. It was part of his family, his friends, the life that wasn’t Big Bang. 

For all that he tolerated and maybe accepted Jiyong, Seungri, and even his own antics, tolerating wasn’t living it. Youngbae would be torn apart by the opposing lives and shred Seunghyun in the process. And Seunghyun had fought that battle enough times to know better. He wouldn’t win it, not with Youngbae.

Youngbae would have to live two lives: the one with his family and friends, and the one with Seunghyun. And the closer they got the more the two worlds would diverge. There was no possibility of open-ness, of freedom, but what was more, there was no possibility of the open-secret he’d managed with a few partners. No, Youngbae’s family would never accept him that way because their God would never accept them. 

Life had taught him that lesson, he still had the scars. But it was more than just Youngbae’s God. 

Youngbae’s words came back to him. “Having kids and wives and families is what people  _ do _ .”

And for Youngbae that was true. He thought of Youngbae with little Haru. There was a bright, shining light to Youngbae when he was with children. It was an absolute gift to behold. Youngbae had been made to be a father. For all that he loved his band-mates, for all of his passion for music, career would never be what mattered most to Youngbae. Fatherhood would be Youngbae’s true Opus.

But Seunghyun had known he wouldn’t want children. Ever. He liked them enough but- His thoughts drifted precariously close to his own father and he shied away. 

No, he would never be a father. 

And so what? he tried to reason. Faith and God and Family dictated that, at most, what they could have would be temporary. There wasn’t anything wrong with that, though, was there? So, accept that it would be fleeting, amorphous, a stolen fragment of time for the two of them amidst the decades of their life. 

Youngbae was gorgeously sculpted masculine perfection. Seunghyun, who had sampled and could get the most beautiful humanity had to offer, admitted Youngbae was something more than just a physical specimen. He would be a fool to turn his nose up at it. Why not just indulge in a little erotic play?

But this wasn’t his on-again, off-again flirtation with Jaechun. Youngbae and he- they were more. He never would have thought it but they were. Youngbae had become this constant presence in his life. A comfort that demanded next to nothing and gave so much in return. Peace, caring, kindness, and just a stillness that was so difficult to find in their lives. 

Seunghyun knew his own heart. It had been broken enough times to show its insides. He’d stitched it up enough times to knew how it fit together. Youngbae’s was a blinding beauty that would catch and enthrall him. Whatever they became, it would be more than physical. He wouldn’t be able to wrap himself in Youngbae’s body without also losing his heart. 

And then what? It would end. Fracturing him, fracturing Youngbae but breaking more than that. He’d almost destroyed Big Bang once, they wouldn’t survive going through it again. 

But he would lose more than that. He’d also lose… their nights in the darkness where music and beauty and truth were examined and understood, their quiet calm where they could just  _ be _ without being alone. 

This, what they had, was so rare he’d never actually found it before. And he was going to throw it away, because that is what Youngbae wanted. 

“Seunghyun-Sshi,” the set director waved to catch his attention. 

“Yes?”

“The scene has run too long, you’re free to go and we’ll pick your scenes up on Monday.” 

“Oh,” Seunghyun said, blinking and trying to remember where he was. “Oh, right, okay, thanks.” He shook his head and wandered to his trailer. It was time to see Youngbae. He couldn’t deny Youngbae anything, especially when he wanted it, too. Damn the future.

 

Youngbae was nervous, excited. He felt like he wasn’t even in his skin. His body felt disconnected and warm. Texting Seunghyun had been near impossible for the shaking of his hands. 

Youngbae was jittery the whole drive home. It was empty, Seunghyun likely working until early evening at best. He wondered if Seunghyun had read the text yet. The thought flipped his stomach. 

“What are you doing, Youngbae?” he asked himself. Still, he set about cleaning his spotless home. 

> ####  **Seunghyun 7:45pm**
> 
> Ok, Bae. 
> 
> I’ll see you soon. Don’t cook. I’ll bring dinner.

Youngbae was in the middle of wiping down the counters for the third time when he heard the front door beep. Seunghyun came in, burdened with bags of take-out.

“Here,” Youngbae said, running forward, “let me help.”

“No, no, just um, get candles?”

_ Candles.  _ Youngbae’s mind stuttered. They’d always just ate at the kitchen bar or coffee table. One didn’t put candles at either of those places. 

“And I know you have fancy stuff, can you show me?” Seunghyun had been practically living there and still didn’t know where Youngbae kept the special dishes. Man never cleaned if he could help it. The thought made Youngbae chuckle. 

“Yeah, here,” he pointed then left to put the candles on the dining table. “We’re eating -”

“I wanted to do something nice,” Seunghyun explained. Youngbae looked and actually read the name of the restaurant on the take out and whistled. “I wanted to -” Seunghyun looked embarrassed and it was an absolute novelty.

“Yeah, sure, I’m gonna set these and clean up?” Youngbae realized Seunghyun was in a full suit, meticulously tailored. 

This was going to be more than a fling, the realization settled into reality as he showered as fast as possible. He found that thought daunting but not bad. “Really you’re not built for anything casual,” Youngbae admitted to himself as he shoved his feet into suit pants. It was only the truth. 

Maybe he hadn’t thought this through enough.

“You, uh, look nice,” Youngbae complimented Seunghyun as he emerged freshly pressed and dressed from his bedroom. 

“I’m not much for pump and dump,” Seunghyun said. He stood at the dinner table, plates and food immaculate, and poured the wine. “Sorry, that was rude.” He paused and looked at Youngbae. “I think I’m nervous.”

“Ya, isn’t that my job?” 

They both chuckled softly. 

“I just want it to be nice.” Seunghyun needed it to be good, needed it to be worth it. 

“This  _ is  _ nice,” Youngbae reassured him. 

Seunghyun pulled out Youngbae’s chair and gestured to it, but he stepped away before Youngbae could sit down. There was an art to wooing a straight man. 

“So is this a date?” Youngbae grabbed for his fork and took a bite.

“If you want it to be,” Seunghyun replied. “It’s whatever you want, Youngbae. We can be whatever you want.”

“I -” Youngbae put his fork down. Texting it had been easier. “I can’t do a casual thing, I think.”

Seunghyun smiled. “I know.”

“I want-” Youngbae needed to just say the words. “I want to sleep with you.”

Seunghyun looked at him. “I would like that.” God, would he. 

They should talk more, Youngbae knew. About the future and about what this all meant. He just couldn’t seem to find the words. So he ate.

“How was the studio?” Seunghyun needed to put Youngbae at ease. Every line of his body was taut. Music was the answer.

Youngbae slowly relaxed as he recounted his day. Recording was coming along. He actually was starting to really love the new songs. 

“Tablo-hyung wrote something for me. Two somethings.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah one of them sounds like that old 80s song. You know the one in that American High School movie.” Youngbae hummed a few bars.

“Tears for Fears,” Seunghyun supplied.

“I knew you’d know.” They smiled at each other and both their hearts raced. “We’re really going to do this.” 

“If that is what you want, Bae.” 

Youngbae felt a momentary pang as he realized he’d not even informed Jiyong, his best friend. Jiyong’s been busy, he told himself. 

There was something in Seunghyun’s eyes that Youngbae couldn’t quite discern. “Yeah, it is,” Youngbae said. 

“So tell me about Tablo’s songs.”

Youngbae lost himself in talking about his album. The candles melted low in their holders and dinner gave way to desert, one bottle of wine to two. Slowly it felt less like a date and more just like - dinner with Seunghyun, though his eyes sparkled in the candle-light and the shadows seemed to lovingly stroke the planes of his face. 

Seunghyun stood and took their plates, leaving them in the sink, a concession to Youngbae’s sensibilities. However, rather than settling on the couch he crossed to Youngbae, standing behind him and gripping the back of Youngbae’s chair. 

Youngbae’s heart raced as he let Seunghyun pull out his chair, taking the hand Seunghyun extended to help him up. This was his usual role, and it was flipped and Youngbae didn’t know what he  _ should _ feel but he liked it. 

He expected to be pulled somewhere but, instead, Seunghyun spun to stand in front of him, close enough that their chest’s were a finger’s breadth apart. Youngbae looked up. All the girls he’d ever kissed had been shorter than him.

He looked up and Seunghyun cupped both sides of his face, long finger tips brushing into his hair. Seunghyun turned the full, powerful grasp of his eyes on Youngbae. Youngbae eased into Seunghyun’s touch, feeling himself melt against strong hands. He didn’t have to control, guide, lead. He just had to  _ be _ . 

Seunghyun’s kiss was slow, languorous. He savored every inch of Youngbae’s mouth. He dropped his hands to Youngbae’s shoulders and pulled him in tight, wrapping him in a full embrace. Youngbae was as petite as any girl but the body in his arms was anything but feminine. 

He broke off the kiss and pressed his forehead into Youngbae’s. “Bed?”

Youngbae nodded and let himself be led. 

The bedroom was dark save for a bedside lamp. It was just the right amount of light. Seunghyun brought Youngbae back to stand face to face with him at the foot of the bed. Youngbae looked breathlessly up at Seunghyun. This was it. He stood on tiptoe to kiss Seunghyun.

Seunghyun let his jacket fall to the floor and loosened his tie before turning to Youngbae’s buttons. He undid them slowly, focusing more on the kiss. He traced the exposed skin behind each button for a few seconds before turning to the next.

Youngbae’s skin was on fire; Seunghyun’s hands were warm and rough. He had all of a second after his shirt was stripped from him before he was pushed down onto the bed. The wind rushed out of him and he looked up. 

Seunghyun pulled out the rest of his tie and made quick work of his shirt. He was grateful for the hard work he’d put in for the movie, he wasn’t put to shame by the rippling of Youngbae’s abs. 

Seunghyun crawled over Youngbae, hand snaking down his side to hook into Youngbae’s belt. They were both hard and they both could feel it. Their chests heaved in unison, aching for breath, for more touch. 

This was it. All Seunghyun had to do was unhook the belt, unfasten the fly. That’s it, and Youngbae would have what he wanted and Seunghyun-

Seunghyun would lose everything. He was frozen, unable to look anywhere but the pillow over Youngbae’s shoulder. His body was screaming for release, Youngbae was under him, cock pressed into his hip.  _ Just move, Seunghyun _ .

But he couldn’t. 

In that moment almost a year of friendship flashed through his mind: passing out drunk on his basement floor, nights spent talking until night shifted to morning, nights when the world seemed to crash into him and Youngbae was just  _ there _ . 

Someday it would all end and that, this, everything between them would be gone, ashes, another broken heart and shattered world. 

“Hyung-” Youngbae looked up at him. Seunghyun was far away. Passion wilted against concern and he shifted, trying to sit up. “Hyung, are you ok?” Seunghyun held him fast to the bed. “Hyung, look at me.”

“I can’t.”

“Yes, you can,” Youngbae brought a hand up to stroke Seunghyun’s face, trying to smooth away the deep creases of concern and - pain?. “I’m right here,” he whispered.

Seunghyun looked at him. “I  _ can’t _ .” Confused, Youngbae gaped. “I can’t, Youngbae.” Seunghyun pushed himself up, body hovering but not touching Youngbae. “I would lose everything,” he whispered.

Youngbae searched his eyes.  _ Everything _ . Everything they had come to be for each other. They easy comfort, quiet dependence. Part of him wanted to shout that it wouldn’t be lost, just change. But looking up at Seunghyun he saw and knew the truth. 

They would have this night, maybe a few more. Life wouldn’t let them have any more. He thought of all the things Seunghyun had shared with him, the secret shades of his soul. The fractures in their future seemed to glow, they were so apparent. 

“You,” Seunghyun ruffled the fringe of Youngbae’s hair but it was affectionate, not sensual. “You’ve become one of my best friends. I never would have thought.” His laugh was self-deprecating. “It’s not worth it, this. I want- wanted to give you everything you want but I’m selfish. I don’t want to lose us.”

“It’s not selfish. I- I don’t want to lose this either.”

Seunghyun pulled back and stood. He turned his back on the bed. “I”m sorry.” He should leave but he just needed to make sure Youngbae understood. “I have so few friends.”

Youngbae reached out and grabbed Seunghyun’s hand, keeping him from going. He didn’t want to be alone; he didn’t want Seunghyun to be alone. “Do-” he cleared his voice, throat raw, “do you want to sleep here tonight.”

He scooched and pulled back a bit of the bed sheets. Seunghyun looked at him, eyes grateful. “Yes.”

He sat and pulled out his belt and stripped his pants off. Youngbae turned to give him privacy, sitting to do the same. 

Youngbae waited until it sounded like Seunghyun was settled under the bed cover then he switched off the light. Sitting there in the darkness he offered up a wordless prayer of thanks. 

After a moment he lay back, pulling the sheet over himself and turning to Seunghyun. 

“You’re more than a friend, Seunghyun.”

Seunghyun hummed. 

“You’re family,” Youngbae admitted. “I’m glad you’re here.” He reached out and squeezed Seunghyun’s shoulder. “I’m glad - I’m glad you stopped.”

“I love you, Dongsaeng,” Seunghyun whispered.

And Youngbae knew what he meant. He felt it, too, in that moment. “I love you, hyung.”

  
  


It was the only night they ever shared a bed. 


	9. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 8, Epilogue and Author's note posted simultaneously. Go back if you started here.

Seunghyun simultaneously loved and hated travel. New places, new food, new art and unknown city streets were a delight to his creative soul. On the other hand, there was none of the comfort of his meticulously curated home, a place consciously created to be his haven.

He missed it and he’d just left it. Germany was nice but - it wasn’t home. He looked around the apartment that would be his for the next few months. His suitcases were stacked neatly in the center of the entry room, the work of a conscientious assistant.

Youngbae’s voice came to him from when he’d been packing. “Here, hyung, for when you are in Germany.”

Youngbae was always writing letters to Hyorin. It had apparently become his thing. Looking through his suitcases he found the pocket Youngbae had stuffed a folded paper into while ‘helping’ him pack. Reading, he walked towards his new terrace.

> To Seunghyun Hyung
> 
> Hyung. I will be praying so that you will be able to return home after safely finishing all the filming in Germany. For the two months you’ll be gone, I’ll miss you extremely. I have been so worried because you’ve looked so lonely. Stay strong, hyung! I have been praying strongly every night for your soul and praying that you feel the Lord’s love like the Bible says. Come home safely, hyung.
> 
> I love you.

Seunghyun sniffled, tears streaking down his cheeks. His fingers stroked over the words _I love you_. His heart burned and he smelt the comforting memory of home.

Filming was made a little easier by the letter, left open on his kitchen counter, to greet him every night.

“Thank you, Youngbae,” he whispered when it was finally time to pack it back into his suitcase.

 

>  
> 
> **Seunghyun 4:55pm**
> 
> Ya, I’ll be home in 12 hours. Wanna make hyung some Kimchi stew?
> 
> #####  **Youngbae 12:55am**
> 
> Hyung go away its the middle of the night
> 
> And no
> 
> ####  **Seunghyun 4:57pm**
> 
> Please, please please
> 
> Hyung misses home and you so much
> 
> Plus it will be like noon then.
> 
> #####  **Youngbae 12:58am**
> 
> Ya, don’t you have a mom or sister or something.
> 
> ####  **Seunghyun 4:58pm**
> 
> Pleaaaaase.
> 
> #####  **Youngbae 12:59am**
> 
> You know I’m gonna do it already, go away and let me sleep.
> 
> ####  **Seunghyun 5:00pm**
> 
> <3 U Dongsaeng
> 
> #####  **Youngbae 1:00am**
> 
> I love you too
> 
> now let me sleep


	10. Author's Notes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 8, Epilogue and Author's note posted simultaneously. Go back if you're starting here.

 

I know some people like this sort of discussion, some don't so feel free to read if they're your thing. 

 

This story originally came to me [ the day Seunghyun posted Taeyang's photo on his instagram ](https://web.archive.org/web/20181208035810/http://mousieta.tumblr.com/post/142521644701/louisianne-kpop-koreanghetto-160409-top) . If you see there,  [ in the tags for a post just shortly before it ](https://web.archive.org/web/20181208035550/http://mousieta.tumblr.com/post/140859366141/top-is-surprisingly-delicate-like-a-bubble-our) is the very seed for this story. 

 

Like most of my fics, it then went into a sort of 'story development' moe after that seed which basically consists of destroying my writer friends with plot points and impromptu smut. I put all that in a doc and then... it sat. I was stuck on the story for months, struggling to find its voice.

 

I spent a bit of time 'journaling' (thank you, Sam, for that tip) from each character's points of view. None of that ultimately made it into the fic but I found it useful in helping me find their voices. And when I wasn't sure where to go, I left it. I find if I'm stuck, moving on to something else helps let the ideas marinate in the back of my mind. It's there where a lot of the bumps and kinks work themselves out. 

 

I, at least, knew from the outset where their emotional character arcs would end. In fact I have a form of Seunghyun's final rationalizations of the fate of any romance with Youngbae written and dated a year ago. 

 

I also knew that it would be imperative that we, as the readers, have both their perspectives. As I typically write in a fairly  [ tight 3rd person ](http://www.karentraviss.com/blog/files/f3bd1237dc3706fc000e32bd442680e2-94.html) (think Martin's Game of Thrones), that wasn't going to work here as the structure would wind up being a handicap to the narrative's demands.

 

I opted, instead, to go for a truly omniscient 3rd person. As research I read a lot of [Chekhov](https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/author/708). Yes, I literally went out and bought a book of [Chekhov's](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/84592.The_Portable_Chekhov) short stories and read them very consciously noting style.[ _A Misfortune_](https://ebooks.adelaide.edu.au/c/chekhov/anton/party/chapter10.html) in particular was a huge influence. Yes, that is the kind of nerd I am.

 

The drawback of this pov is we do not get to see either character as intimately, the narration not comprised of their voice, but we do get to see them both fully in reference to each other. 

 

As to Youngbae's sexuality. I, personally, see him here as heteroflexible. Under the right set of circumstances he could enjoy sexual exploration with a man, but true long-term relationship success is going to be found in a heterosexual relationship. 

 

Maybe in another world, another time, it would be different but who he is here is not really someone that would find lasting fulfillment with another man, no matter how intimate, close or sexually attractive. 

 

Initially I'd intended this fic to be a double feature with the second half set in that 'another world, another time' but then... initially I'd intended it to only be 10k and well - you see where we are. I need to work on my powers of estimation. 

 

Maybe I'll get around to the other fic someday but it took almost a year of marinating to get to where we are now. 

 

Finally, I knew this fic needed to center on their friendship. I was very conscious of the fact that this fic subverts a powerful and almost foundational (in slash) trope: that of our two leads finding their happily ever after in a romantic relationship. 

 

That has never been the way I see these two. However, I feel true, deep friendship is often an unexplored avenue, as powerful and fulfilling as any romantic relationship.

 

I wanted to take these two to the brink, and rather than the narrative or fate saying, now these two must be together because they have chemistry and attraction, because they are emotionally connected and intimate. I wanted them to see that and make another choice. Not a lesser one, but an other one. Because I don't think a deep friendship is necessarily lesser to a romantic relationship. And that is what I really wanted to convey. 

I wanted to convey the importance and power of choice, in the relationships we craft with those around us.

 

I hope I did well enough to leave you satisfied. And if not...uh... sorry?


End file.
